The Worst Kept Secret of Seireitei
by RAWRified
Summary: Matsumoto enjoys life's simple pleasures - sleep, sake, making her captain fall in love. Future. IchiRuki, ShunNan, ZaraUno .HitsuOC.
1. Her Downfall

_Story info_

_The only disclaimer I'm gonna give ya; I don't own Bleach. There, happy now?_

_This is a sequel to my ByaOC fic 'The Best Kept Secret of Seireitei', but you don't have to read that one if you don't want. New readers will cope just fine as this isn't actually revolving around my OC from that fic. If you want more info on Kya and Byakuya's relationship give it a go._

_Here's a quick summary if you haven't read BKSoS. Years before Byakuya met Hisana he was dating this girl called Kya, but then she ran off for certain reasons. After all the business with Aizen she came back and they got back together. Easy. There were hints at other characters' relationships but nothing had really happened, for example ShunNan, IchiRuki, ZaraUno, YuroHara, etc._

_This is gonna be set quite a way off in the future, revolving around Kya and Byakuya's eldest kid, meaning some of these relationships may have developed somewhat in our absence. We'll just have to wait and see what's exactly happened with them. _

_We're ignoring anything beyond the final Arrancar arc of the manga, since it hadn't started at time of story-conception and has yet to finish, so possible character write-outs, etc., are unknown._

_This is a Hitsugaya story for those who didn't bother to even read the summary, but since it's in the future he's all grown up. No paedophilia thank you very much. Aww, little Shiro-chan has become a man!_

_This first chap's really just a little tidbit for those who read BKSoS as it ties the two fics together. If you didn't read it feel free to skip to the next one._

_Anyways yeah. Think that's it. _

_Now read!_

* * *

**Chapter 1: Her downfall**

To say that Kya was surprised at Unohana's diagnosis would have been the understatement of the millennia.

At first she had laughed, believing Unohana was playing some kind of cruel joke on her. Then, upon realising Unohana was being serious, she insisted she must have got the test results mixed up.

Then she had started yelling.

This all started a few days back when, extremely inconveniently, she had vomited loudly right in the middle of a top secret, whisper quiet tracking mission. Needless to say, she had been forced to abort the plan – a little messily it must be said – and returned to Seireitei more than a little grumpy. And that would have been that, if it hadn't been for the fact that every morning since then she had woken up and ran straight for the bathroom to throw up. Kya thought it was probably just a stomach bug or something. Byakuya wasn't having any of that. On the fifth morning this happened he had picked her struggling form right off her chair and literally carried her the entire way to the fourth division.

What they had told her there did not go down so well.

The door to Byakuya's office slammed open.

"You big fat lump of rabbit's intestines! Do you know what you've done to me?"

Byakuya put down his writing brush calmly and turned to a shocked-looking Renji. "Out."

"But- err-" Renji floundered.

"Now." He reiterated in his most commanding tone. Renji promptly scarpered. Byakuya turned back to the irate woman standing in the doorway with a look of absolute panic on her face. A very slight frown crossed his expression. "What's wrong?"

The woman swiftly crossed the room and thumped her palms down onto his desk, glaring at him with the craziest eyes he had seen in a while. "I'm… pregnant!"

Byakuya paused. Then, very slowly, he looked down, picked up his writing brush, and continued filling in the form in front of him. "Ok."

That was not the response Kya was hoping for.

"What?" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "What do you mean 'ok'? Have you even been listening? Or maybe I should have added that you're the father just so we're both clear on the matter?"

"I never doubted that for a second." He said serenely while continuing with his ever so important paper work.

"Then how the hell can you be so calm? I thought you hated the idea of kids?" she shouted.

"I have changed my mind."

"No you bloody haven't! You're not allowed to change your mind on these sorts of things without telling me first! Now this is your fault, you sort it out!"

Byakuya sighed and put down his writing brush, finally agreeing to actually look her in the eyes. "Kya, you are being a little ridiculous."

"Oh, am I? Am I really?"

"Yes."

Kya let out a sound half way between a moan and a growl, slumped down into the chair facing Byakuya, and smacked her head onto the table. She felt a soft hand on her chin as he gently lifted her head to face him. There was a tenderness in his eyes amidst the otherwise blank expression.

"Kya," his voice was quiet, "are you not at least a tiny bit happy about this?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know." She admitted. "I just… I just don't want to be stuck here."

"It is not just about you anymore."

"Gah. Don't I know it? Now there's a bloody kid involved." Our kid, she reminded herself. God, she really wasn't mother material. When, over the past twenty years, had Byakuya decided that he was father material? But then again, it was _their_ kid. And she was going to be a mom. That sounded so wrong. But she couldn't help the little twitch of a smile as she thought about it.

"This is so messed up." She muttered to herself.

"When isn't it?"

Kya let out a little laugh. She looked at Byakuya. "Thank you."

He smiled back. "You're welcome."

Kya got to her feet and chuckled as she made her way back to the door. Wow. She and Byakuya were going to be parents. That was… intense? Oh, Christ, she was going to get fat, wasn't she?

"Kya." She paused with her hand on the doorknob and turned back to her lover. Byakuya was busy with his paperwork again, but there was a steely, determined edge to his voice. "You will not set foot outside Seireitei's walls while you are carrying our child."

Kya blinked. It took her all of two seconds to realise what Byakuya had just said. Or maybe ordered was a better word for it. When she had realised all hell broke loose.

"You-"

* * *

Matsumoto had reacted in the exact way that Kya thought she would. First there was shock, then there was the yelling, then there was the overjoyed squeals at the prospect of having a little kiddy around whom she wasn't responsible for. Kya thought this was a much more proper way of reacting than just saying '_Ok'_. Who reacts like that when being told they were going to be a father? And Matsumoto was ecstatic about the idea of being godmother. Byakuya wasn't when Kya told him later.

Seven and a half months later Kya gave birth to a little baby girl, whom they named Arikka. Everyone, excluding a few of the older heads of the noble houses, agreed that, even though her parents weren't technically married, she would be raised as if they were, and therefore a part of the Kuchiki clan.

It had taken Kya a considerable amount of time to get used to the idea of staying in Soul Society, let alone Seireitei itself, but had eventually conceded after nearly getting herself and the six month old foetus in her belly killed. Byakuya had not been happy about that. She found over the passing years that it was gradually getting easier and easier to stay away from the danger and keep herself nice and safe behind Seireitei's walls. Yes, she still sometimes got bored, but most of the boredom was driven off by Arikka. Now she had a proper reason to stay, and she wasn't going to let it go.

Sure, she wasn't the best mum in the world – what with the hyperactivity and the attitude of '_Oh, let her have some fun. She's a teenager. All teenagers stay out all night and come home at eight in the morning drunk off their asses._' But then again Byakuya wasn't the greatest dad in the world. He was still emotionally broken and had the attitude of '_No, you cannot go out passed eight. Especially with a boy. Go upstairs and change; I can see your ankles_.' And yet somehow together they managed to form one almost acceptable parent.

It worked, in their own little way.

* * *

**What d'ya think so far? Ok, you won't actually have a proper opinion on the story until the next one, since this was focused on Kya again. All the others will actually focus on Arikka. Kya and Bya will become background characters. Aww, I miss Kya. She was fun. **

**And remember…**

**A review a day keeps a hammer-wielding angry Rose who wants to smash your head in away.**


	2. Joining the troops

**Yeah, so me and my friend Rhea have had a chat today, and we both agree that this story might be going somewhere. Then again it might not.**

**Chapter 2: Joining the troops**

Arikka looked at her reflection in the long mirror. She was extremely nervous and hadn't slept much the previous night, showing now through the slight bags under her blue eyes. It probably had something to do with today. Today was important. Today wasn't going to be a day she could just forget about.

It was her first day as a fully fledged Shinigami.

As soon as she had received news of her placement she had gone to see her father, just to make sure it wasn't anything to do with his influence. However, he had assured her it wasn't. She also knew her mother wouldn't have had anything to do with it – she hated favouritism almost as much as Arikka. But still, it was unusual. She hadn't even properly figured how her shikai even worked yet. And it had taken her the whole six years of the Academy to even get that far. And yet here she was, on her first day out of the Academy, and being hurried along into the eleventh seat of a strong division. And somehow she would have to live up to it.

But that wasn't the main source of Arikka's anxiety. No, the main source of that was plain as she gazed at her reflection. Her main worry was what her mother had done to her uniform.

* * *

"Kuchiki, you're late!"

Arikka closed the door to the hall in her new division headquarters and looked down at her watch. She was only a minute or two late.

"Sorry… err, my watch is slow."

"That's no excuse, now get in li-" the man Arikka recognised as their third seat stopped abruptly as he actually looked at her. He gaped like a fish. "What the hell are you wearing?"

Thanks, mom.

"Er, well, you see-" she didn't really know how to explain how her uniform had magically transformed over night into something that was almost unrecognisable. Sure, it was still the same black clothes and white sash, but instead of the traditional loose kimono and hakama, the top was now fitted and cut off at the elbows while the bottoms were now shorts ending just above the knee, still loose enough to fight in but undeniably tighter. To be honest Arikka was surprised her mother hadn't cut off even more material and made them into something positively scandalous. At least she had that to be grateful for.

"Yes?" the officer looked at her expectantly. Arikka gave up trying to explain.

"It's my uniform." She shrugged. The officer narrowed his eyes and she could tell he was about to start shouting at her. She hit him with a pre-emptive attack. "Why can't I wear it?"

"Because it is not regula-"

"Actually, the regulations say that Shinigami should wear the black clothes provided to them. Technically, that's what I'm wearing. They've just been changed a bit." As she was speaking Arikka could sense the growing disbelief from her fellow new division members in the room. Surely she wasn't disagreeing with the third seat on her very first day? That would be insanity. Apparently the third seat thought so too.

"Why you! Insolence is not accepted in this division! Now you may think that just because you're a Kuchiki you should get special treatment, but I'm here to stamp those thoughts out of you! In here you're the same as anybody else – a nobody until you prove otherwise! No way can you ju-"

"The shouting's starting a bit early today, isn't it, Koma-san?"

The third seat froze in his ranting at the sound of the new voice. He swiftly stood straighter and saluted.

"Taicho!"

Arikka's new captain strolled through the door lazily before stopping and tilting his head to the side. "What's going on here then? Who are all these people?"

"New recruits, sir!" the third seat answered stiffly, still in his military persona. The captain perked up and started peering around the room, his eyes settling on each of the four other new Shinigami in turn. Arikka noticed his gaze paused a little longer when it reached the only other female there. Finally he noticed her. He waved.

"Ah, Rika-chan, thought I saw your name on the list somewhere!"

"Shu- I mean, Kyoraku-taicho." Arikka swiftly corrected herself and bowed. Shunsui chuckled and swaggered over to her. He draped an arm around her shoulders.

"Aww, my little goddaughter's all grown up."

Arikka didn't fail to notice the glares she received from the other recruits.

She frowned. "You're not my godfather."

Shunsui laughed again.

"Rika-chan, you kidder, I think I would know whose godparent I was." He said as if explaining it to a child. Arikka raised an eyebrow.

"But you're not."

"Er, Rika-chan, I think you're a little confused. For who, if not the ruggedly handsome devil that is I, would have the charisma and manly charms necessary to be chosen by your fine parents to act as your godfather?" At some point during his question Shunsui had removed his arm from around her shoulders and had instead raised it into the air dramatically. Arikka almost didn't have the heart to tell him. He would have to find out some day though.

"… Joshiro."

Shunsui's face became expressionless. His hand dropped to his side. He stood there stuttering.

"B- but- but-"

"Taicho, why are you in here?" Shunsui snapped out of his daze and turned to the door. "I thought I told you not to leave the office until that paperwork was done? Do I have to do every little thing myself?"

Nanao stood with her hands on her hips and a dangerous look in her eyes. Shunsui seemed to get rather flustered, especially when he caught sight of that giant book tucked beneath her arm.

"I was just… just saying hello to the new recruits!" he lied smoothly before starting to laugh nervously. Nanao wasn't having any of it.

"Well, you've done that now, so get back to the office."

"Aww, Nanao-chan, you're making me look bad." Shunsui whined. Nanao started towards him. He got the message. "Alright, alright, paperwork here I come!"

Nanao nodded and turned after him before suddenly stopping. She narrowed her eyes at Arikka. "Kuchiki, why are you wearing that?"

The third seat jumped right up and starting waving pointlessly. "That's what I said! I knew it wasn't allowed and I was just telling her so when Kyoraku-taicho-"

"I think it's cute."

"No one cares what you think!" Nanao wheeled around and yelled at Shunsui's head which had poked out from behind the door frame. He pouted. She turned back to Arikka. "Now why has your uniform been tainted like that?"

"Excellent question!" Mr Third Seat spoke up.

Arikka winced. "Well… err… my mother had-"

"Your mother?" the third seat exclaimed in surprise.

"Your… mother." Nanao muttered with gritted teeth.

Shunsui sighed and looked off dreamily into the distance.

"… _your mother_…"

Nanao whacked his head with the trusty book. "No fantasising about other women!"

"But Nanao-chan, you were there too!"

The book made an even louder sound as it connected with his face again. "That's even worse! And I thought I told you not to call me that at work!"

Shunsui looked at her with wide eyes.

"I love you?"

The book smashed into his forehead. "I-" _thump_ "don't-" _thump_ "love-" _thump_ "you!" _thump_!

Nanao stormed out. Shunsui made to follow her, yelling about how she was so cruel and asking when she would get bored of teasing him this way. He paused right before leaving and looked at the third seat.

"The uniform can stay."

And with that he hurried out of the room after his precious Nanao-chan.

* * *

Needless to say, Arikka's first day hadn't gone entirely to plan.

The third seat, Jitsuma Koma, along with the other new recruits didn't seem to like her very much. They obviously thought that the only reason she had got her seat was that their captain had been under the impression he was her godfather. Add to that how she appeared to cunningly have gotten away with tarnishing her uniform without the slightest punishment and, well, it wasn't a very good first impression. Arikka sometimes wished she was someone else's daughter.

She sighed as she wandered through the gates to the Shinigami preschool. It was usually where the children of Shinigami went, but was also used by those who possessed spiritual energy, but weren't yet old enough to go to the proper Academy. It had been a serious number of years since Arikka had been a student here herself.

She pushed open the door and meandered through the corridors, passed a couple of times by parents collecting their children. Arikka had been here so many times she only needed to subconsciously find the right door before opening it.

"No you cannot have a cookie! What do I look like to you, a baker?"

Arikka blinked. She back stepped and checked she had the right room. She entered it again with a confused look on her face.

"Green is a colour, not a number, you imbecile!"

That was new.

"May- Mayuri?"

Mayuri swept around towards her, a completely stressed out look on his face.

"What?" he snapped.

"What are you doing here?" she asked with wide eyes. It just didn't seem like the weird clown thing to be visiting the preschool. He was more the '_let's dissect the children to see why they're so small'_ type of person. One of his invisible eyebrows twitched and he suddenly looked down at his side.

"How many times do I have to tell you? Do not touch my zanpaktou! What are your parents teaching you?" he screeched in the little girl's face. The sight of the scary man with the painted face screaming at her so close up sent her into a fit of tears. Mayuri snarled.

"Onee-chan!"

Arikka looked around and spotted the familiar head of purple hair running up to her. She leant down and hoisted the boy into her arms. He grinned at her with that goofy smile of his. Haru waved his arms and pointed excitedly at Mayuri. "Uncle May-kun teached us today!"

Mayuri spluttered and was standing in front of them in a second.

"Uncle? Uncle!" he roared bringing his face closer and closer to Haru's, a look of pure rage on his face. "It's Kurotsuchi-taicho! Kurotsuchi-taicho! And definitely not May-kun!"

Arikka thought that any other child would have wet themselves by now. She was glad this wasn't any other child since it would not have been pleasant to have a peeing child in her arms. As it was, Haru simply looked at Mayuri, laughed, and grabbed his nose in his pudgy hand.

Mayuri was about to explode and gas the entire room. He'd just about had enough of these little miniature humans. Actually, he'd had enough about ten seconds after entering the room, now he was positively fit for poisoning.

"You're teaching here?" Arikka interrupted before this could get Mayuri-goopy.

"The General made me!" he responded far too quickly.

"Why?"

"I don't know, do I? One minute I was conducting a perfectly valid scientific experiment and the next he was ordering me here!" He threw his arms into the air to emphasize the point. It clicked in Arikka's head and she sighed.

"What experiment?" she asked resignedly, half not wanting to know the answer.

"It was a reasonable study into how the central nervous system reacted to stimuli in the limbic system." He answered smugly. Arikka groaned.

"Whose brains and spines were you messing around with this time?"

Mayuri narrowed his eyes. "No one important."

Right, and that was why the General wanted to distract and/or punish you with the use of the thing Mayuri most feared – children.

"Uncle May-kun told us about acids and alkies!" Haru piped up.

"Kurotsuchi-taicho!" Mayuri corrected him forcefully. Arikka cocked an eyebrow.

"You've been trying to teach them _science_?" Mayuri nodded but continued to glare at the boy in her arms. "But aren't they a little young for that kind of thing?"

"What do you mean?" Mayuri said, finally giving up on his staring contest with Haru. He looked insulted. "I was three months old when I balanced my first chemical equation!"

"Yeah, but you're a little-"

"I'm a little _what_?" he interrupted in his most evilly threatening voice. Arikkia checked herself. He was a little… creepy? Insane? Manically twisted in the head? Ruggedly good looking in an I-don't-mind-if-you-don't-have-ears sort of way?

"-cleverer than the average person."

Mayuri thought about that and turned back to the class. One of the boys was now grossing a group of girls out by farting in their faces.

"I suppose that's true." He admitted. "But what else is there to teach?"

Arikka blinked. "How about numbers and the alphabet, or colouring or something?"

"I guess I could teach them how to correctly change the hue of an item using optical decompositions."

"No, I meant-"

Arikka was cut off however by the scream from the back of the classroom. Both her and Mayuri turned. Mayuri turned furious and began storming towards where the commotion was coming from.

"You! No trying to set the goldfish on fire!"

Arikka thought this might be a good time for her and Haru to take their leave.

**Woot. Done.**

**Guess what? I've got the same flu again for the third time in six weeks! :D I think there's something wrong with me.**

**Thanks for Rhea for the idea of Mayuri teaching in the preschool. Yeah, I stole it. What you gonna do about it? Eh, eh?**

**There once was a girl called Lou  
Who didn't leave a review  
I was angry at that  
So stole her pet cat  
And mailed it to Timbuktu**

**There's a moral in that limerick. **


	3. Soca Crazy

**So it turns out my flu was actually a bad ass case of tonsillitis. Should have guessed. I'm just that cool. **

**Chapter 3: Soc-a crazy**

Shunsui was not a happy bunny.

As if he didn't have enough on his plate – what with all the sake that urgently needed drinking and women that desperately needed to be flirted with – but now Nanao was being cold towards him again. To be honest, she never really stopped being cold towards him, but that was beside the point. Shunsui thought things had changed over the past few years. He had thought that now she had finally let him call them a couple – when no one was around, of course – that she might be a little less mean. Sure, he liked the mean. Mean could be fun. Especially the making it up to her bit. But she still refused to say those three little words, even though Shunsui knew she _did_ love him.

It just wasn't fair!

He massaged his temple where a nice new bump was forming after today's onslaught of The Book. He hadn't meant to insult her! He'd only commented in passing conversation that Matsumoto would look good in a swimsuit. It wasn't his fault she took this to mean he thought she wouldn't. Because she would!

Shunsui started laughing disjointedly under his breath as he swaggered down the path, not really paying attention to where he was going. He walked face first into a door.

But there was something else that was bothering him. That something had led him all the way out of his office and away from his secret hidden drawer of sake that under no circumstances could Nanao ever ever find out about. He stood upright and placed his most serious of expressions on his face. He slid open the door with such force that the frame actually shook.

"Jooshiiroooo!"

He glared down at the man kneeling in front of the small table. Joshiro finished reading the paragraph before looking up from his book, a gentle smile on his face.

"Yes?"

Shunsui broke. He ran over to his friend and began wailing uncontrollably into his shoulder.

"Nanao-chan's being mean to me again and isn't letting me touch her boobies and when I ask her why she just says because we're in the middle of a meeting and she doesn't want other members of the division to see that sort of thing but I told her that I didn't mind and she just became even meaner and now won't play kiss chase with me even if we're alone and when I suggested strip tac toe she just stopped talking altogether and it really hurts but she's just a big meanie and I don't want to talk about her and she's always telling me off and making me look bad in front of people but won't let me slap her butt to make up for it and now-" He sniffed "-now Rika-chan tells me I'm not her godfather but you are instead!"

He let out one final giant wail.

Joshiro sighed.

So someone had finally told him.

* * *

"I think there might be one of those forms in our office." Momo said thoughtfully with a finger on her chin.

"Thanks, Momo. My captain's gonna go spare if I don't find a copy of it somewhere. He's in a real bad mood at the moment."

"Really? But I've always thought Kuchiki-taicho was such a kind and happy person, Renji?"

Renji almost fell over mid-stride. Byakuya – kind and happy? Something was wrong with this girl's perception radar. Byakuya was the least kind person he knew, except for maybe Mayuri. And he had become especially grumpy lately. Renji swore that he had almost been stabbed yesterday when his captain couldn't find his writing brush. It had turned out to be on his desk the entire time. Something was up there.

"Yeah, so, that form…" Renji reminded a now humming Momo as he rubbed the back of his neck. Momo seemed to wake up and smiled widely at him.

"Of course!" She started humming again as she led the way down the corridor towards her office in the fifth division. Renji felt awkward but knew not to speak to her. Momo acted best when left alone these days. She stopped outside the office door.

"Thanks again, by the way. You're really saving my neck."

Momo opened the door and stepped inside, holding it open for Renji. "No problem!"

Renji entered and glanced around the room. There wasn't anything there out of place, just another plain office.

"What is it?" The person sitting behind the larger of the two desks muttered lazily while staring at some weird screen thing. They were facing Renji so he couldn't see what it was they were watching.

"Just came to get a form." He grumbled.

"…_coming up through the middle, and he passes to Stephenson…"_

"What are you watching, Kurosaki-taicho?" Momo asked curiously after reaching into a filing cabinet and bringing up a large piece of paper. Ichigo continued staring at the screen in front of him.

"Soccer."

"What's that?" Momo asked. Renji was equally confused. Soc-a? What was that? He'd heard Nemu muttering something about Soc-a-toa, but he thought that was math or something. What was Soc-a? Maybe Ichigo was watching a math lecture.

"… _and he slipped it in real good there…"_

Renji raised one of his awesomely manly eyebrow tattoos that were in no way freaky. "He slipped what in where?"

"The ball in the box."

"… _and Denvers' not going to be happy with that move. Yes, Alan, he's more used to being on top in these situations…"_

If Renji had been drinking anything he would have choked. He grabbed Momo's wrist as she made her way around to see what it was Ichigo was so intently looking at. "Momo, don't look at that!"

"Why not?"

"… _ooh, and it could have been over so quickly there, but luckily Meris knows when to pull out early…"_

"Because it's not good for you!" He turned angrily to Ichigo, eyebrows twitching all the way, "Why are you watching that stuff in here?"

"Because I'm meant to be working." He shrugged in response.

"… _and bam! Florenz wasn't expecting him to suddenly enter from behind like that, was he? If he continues like this they might just make it all the way…"_

Renji was pretty sure his eyebrows were having epileptic fits about now. This was so wrong. Ichigo knew Momo was of a sensitive nature and yet he does something like this! Renji was about to start screaming and punching when the door opened again. Ichigo didn't even look up.

"Hi, Ichigo, Renji, Momo."

"Hey Rika, what are you doing here?" Ichigo asked, still not looking up.

"… _great save by the Argentineans there and Rutherford strikes back with a harsh turn around, taking them by surprise. And would you look at those ball skills…"_

"Sent to give you this transfer form regarding Shonigaya." She said and she approached the desk. "Oh, soccer, eh? Anything interesting happen yet?"

"Not you too!" Renji cried as she leant over Ichigo's shoulder to watch the Soc-a as well. This was all too much for him. Ichigo he could understand. But Rika? She seemed nice. A little guarded maybe, but definitely not perverse.

"… _what a tackle! Edwards probably won't be walking straight for days!..."_

"Ichigo."

Renji spun around on the spot. Another person had just up and appeared in the doorway. Although, on the one hand he was slightly pleased to see this person. Then the other hand swept in and reminded him that this was Ichigo's office.

"Rukia? What the hell are you doing here?" he yelled in distress. Why would she go see him? Why?

"Thought I'd better get out of my division headquarters for a while." She answered as she strolled around the desk. Renji wanted to stop her looking. "Oh, soccer."

Renji almost screamed. Rukia watched these things? _Rukia_?

"… _and that seemed a little risky. No, no, he's going to take the penalty now. This could get messy_…"

"Why'd you have to get out of there?" Ichigo asked. Renji just gawked at them all.

"Kyoraku-taichu arrived over there and was busy screaming about how no one loves him and he's not trustworthy enough to have responsibility over someone else's child or something. It was getting quite loud."

Rika stuck her hand up apologetically. "Sorry, that was probably my fault."

"…_perfect form there from the young lad. And he's going in deep, arwh, pushed out again…"_

"I want to watch!"

Momo had taken her wrist out of Renji's grip when he wasn't paying attention. He tried to grab her shoulder but she was already skipping out of his reach.

"Momo, no!"

Momo peered over Rukia's shoulder. She paused. She blinked.

"Why is he kicking that ball like that?" she finally asked. Renji winced. Kicking what like what?

"Hey, Rukia, didn't you say Toshiro was good at soccer?" Ichigo asked. Rukia whacked him on the head and nodded towards Momo. Renji could have fainted. Not Hitsugaya-taicho. Surely, not.

"What you doing, Carrot-top?"

This time Ichigo looked up. He glared at the woman crouching on his window frame as if she'd had just jumped up there. Renji tried to remind himself that they were on the third floor.

"Yachiru, go away." Ichigo replied before turning back to the screen.

The pink haired menace got down from the window and approached the desk, her new white captain's coat hanging proudly on her shoulders. To say it was now getting crowded in Ichigo's office would have been an understatement. Yachiru looked down at the Soc-a as well and smiled. Well, Renji had expected Yachiru to like something like this. She was that vulgar.

"… _and we're approaching the finish now. What's this? Timo's just shot out of nowhere. He's there, he shoots…"_

All heads around the screen simultaneously leant to one side and oooh-ed.

"Has anyone seen Matsumoto?"

Renji spun around again. Hitsugaya stood in the doorway, looking pissed.

"Have you tried the Kuchiki house?" Rika asked, still staring at the screen.

"She's not there." Yachiru spoke up. "I've just come from there."

Didn't anyone _work_ around here?

"Great, so no one knows." Hitsugaya sighed.

"… _and that's that folks! That's the whistle!..."_

"No!" Ichigo yelled and slammed the screen down so it was face down on the desk. He looked up, a furious glint in his eyes. He then seemed to notice just how cramped his office was. "What the hell are you all doing in here?"

No one spoke for a second.

Then they all started explaining in one go why they were there. Ichigo stood up. He was already extremely annoyed that Argentina had lost; now he'd have to pay Ikkaku that money; and now he had a whole crowd of people swarming about in his face!

"Shut up!" he shouted over the din they were making. They all did and looked at him expectantly. "Just get out! Now!"

No one moved.

Finally, Momo spoke up.

"Sorry, Kurosaki-taicho, I'll be going then." She apologised quickly before bowing. Ichigo sighed as she started making her way through the hordes towards the door.

"Not you Momo, this is your office, remember?"

She stopped. "Oh yeah."

"Now," Ichigo continued, "everyone else, out!"

It was an hour later when he finally managed to stop the bickering.

* * *

Arikka sat on the wall and yawned loudly.

She was sure she had been put on patrol in the dullest spot of Seireitei, where nothing ever happened, on purpose. It was just because the third seat didn't like her. The new twenty-second seat got a post in a large town in the real world where things actually happened. And she, the eleventh seat, was stuck here.

She hadn't even _seen_ anyone else the entire afternoon. No one came here, mainly because only captains, lieutenants, and those on patrol were allowed to, and it was just so unbelievably boring. Arikka was seriously tempted to just ditch and go find something better to do. But then again, it was only her second day. She should probably wait at least a fortnight until pulling something like that.

She brushed a few of her short black waves out of her eyes and thought maybe it was about time for another circumnavigation. She stood and started drifting down the narrow streets, checking for signs of any non-existent life as she went.

She was reaching her journey's end again when she struck gold.

"Oh, hey!" she greeted them, the surprise clear on her face. The other person frowned at her.

"What are you doing here?"

"On patrol, aren't I?" she answered as she hopped back onto the wall and began swinging her legs back and forth like a child. "Beginning to think there had been a nuclear catastrophe and I had somehow not been informed that I was the last person alive. How about you?"

"I needed to look at some old records." Toshiro told her simply, looking off as if it wasn't important. Arikka knew it must be. Not just any old records were stored here.

"What kind of records?" she asked innocently. Toshiro glanced at her sideways in a way that told her he wasn't fooled. Arikka raised her shoulders and smiled guiltily. "Sorry. Did you find Rangiku by the way?"

His face got even surlier if possible, "Yes."

"Oh." That could not be a good sign.

Toshiro let out an exasperated sigh. "I'll see you around, Kuchiki."

"Sure." Arikka said as Toshiro began walking away to collect his mysterious records. "See you, Hitsugaya-taicho."

**Yeah, that chapter really had no purpose except for introducing other characters and showing a little bit of what been going on since we last saw them. Sorry if it weren't that good, but I've now had a fever for 6 days so what do you expect?**

**The thing with the football commentary is true. My brother's been fanatically watching the world cup and every time I hear any of the commentary I just start laughing. It can all be taken as a double entendre. OMG I spelt that right on my first attempt. Go me.**

**Let's see if I can come up with a poem today…**

**So I don't know who you all are  
But it seems you're all fans of Bleach  
I know that my humour's bizarre  
And my ideas can be out of your reach  
But I don't think I care  
Just as long as you're there  
Oh and review, I expect one from you each.**


	4. Sexual Frustration

**Okies my tonsillitis is better now. Good for me. Back to school tomoz though, with bloody school uniform that means you boil from the inside out.**

**Chapter 4: Sexual frustration**

Sometimes things just didn't go Arikka's way.

This was one of those times.

"Rika-chan, stop being a pain and have some fun!" Matsumoto cried giddily as she swung the sake bottle around her head precariously, spilling some of it onto the floor as she did so. Arikka sighed, pried the bottle from her clutching grasp, and placed in onto the small coffee table in front of her.

"You are so not a good influence on me." She muttered, more to herself than Matsumoto. She knew Matsumoto was too busy trying to find the sake bottle that had mysteriously disappeared from her hand to even listen.

"Sometimes," Matsumoto started dramatically, "I think you inherited that giant stick up your ass from your father."

"And sometimes," Arikka swatted Matsumoto's hand away as she tried to grab the bottle which she had spotted, "I'm glad I did."

Matsumoto blew a giant raspberry at her.

"Mature."

Matsumoto nodded and began in a slurred voice, "Yes, I'm the most mature person I know – these beauties started growing when I was still in elementary school!" She thrust her chest out to emphasize the point. She looked down at them. "Don't you think they're pretty? Yours aren't bad, but mine are prettier. I think. Let me see."

Arikka pushed Matsumoto's hand away when it tried to grab her breast. She wagged a finger at her.

"Now, I've told you before that groping people is wrong, Rangiku." She explained in her best parent voice.

Matsumoto pouted. "But it's fun!"

"So is cocaine." Arikka said while rolling her eyes. "But it doesn't make it alright, does it?"

Matsumoto collapsed into a fit of giggles. Arikka sighed and shook her head. After a good solid minute of laughing, Matsumoto suddenly sat up, a steely look in her eyes. Arikka became extremely nervous.

"Boobies!" she shouted and launched herself at Arikka.

"Wha- Rangiku! Get off me! No touching those! Rangiku, stop trying to take my top off, now!"

"_What the hell are you two doing_?"

Arikka looked to the doorway where the yell had come from. Matsumoto took her opportunity while she was distracted and forced her hands into Arikka's robes.

"_Rangiku_!" Arikka screamed before shoving with all her might. Matsumoto flopped away onto the floor. She peered dreamily down at herself.

"No. Mine are prettier."

Arikka glared at her. "I hate you."

"Why are you two doing that sort of thing in my office?" Toshiro shouted at them. Matsumoto appeared to notice he was there for the first time.

"Taicho!" she leapt up and ran towards him. Toshiro didn't react in time and was soon being attacked by a pair of breasts attached to a lady. He squirmed, trying to loosen her bear grip. "Rika-chan made me! She said if I didn't touch her boobies then she wouldn't be my friend anymore!"

Arikka choked.

Toshiro finally managed to lever his vice captain off of him.

"How many times have I told you that if you're going to rape someone then do it somewhere other than my office?" he shouted at her. Matsumoto flopped down onto the floor by his feet and started inspecting her nails.

"I wasn't raping her." She said quietly. Arikka thought that was a bit of a lie."I was doing her a favour."

Toshiro narrowed his eyes sceptically. "What kind of favour involves you grabbing her chest when she's obviously trying to stop you?"

Matsumoto raised a hand into the air. "I was checking to see if she had signs of breast cancer, duh!"

"Of course you were, Rangiku." Arikka piped up sarcastically while getting to her feet. Toshiro sighed and turned to her.

"Sor-" He stopped. His eyes widened. A monumental blush crept over his face. He quickly diverted his gaze. "Kuchiki!"

"What?" Arikka asked confused. In answer Toshiro simply waved a hand vaguely in her direction. Arikka looked down at herself. "Oh my god! I- er- yeah-"

Arikka quickly rearranged her top which had been yanked open by Matsumoto's cancer checking antics. She felt her face grow warm and bet that she was by now a nice shade of pink. This was really not good. She was not the type of person who enjoyed flashing random people. She wasn't Matsumoto!

"I'll just…" she stumbled with her words and found that she couldn't really look Toshiro in the eyes. Toshiro was having the same difficulties and instead focused his attention on a nice spot on the floor. "… go… yeah… er… yeah…"

She hurried out of the room.

From her nice vantage point on the floor, trouble was brewing. Trouble that went by the name of Matsumoto. She watched with amusement as Arikka and Toshiro got all flustered over the simple matter of exposed breasts. Matsumoto didn't see what the fuss was all about.

Then an idea hit her.

It wasn't often that such good ideas came to her, but she found that they usually did after a certain amount of alcohol had been consumed. Something about sake unlocked that brilliant part of her mind where plots and plans were stored. And this idea was a particularly sake-fuelled one.

She needed to go talk to Shunsui.

* * *

Arikka busied herself with the monotonous task of moving boxes of files from one storage room to another. Anything that could help take her mind off of the earlier events of the day was welcomed with open arms. It had been embarrassing to say the least. She thought the term downright mortifying was actually more accurate.

She was just carrying a rather large box of files down the corridor when she felt something brush against her back.

"Rika-chan."

Arikka jumped at the sudden whisper that was said directly into her ear and the box of folders went flying, landing and covering the floor with a new arty flooring of piles of paper. She spun around on the spot.

"Taicho! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

Shunsui simply stood in front of her, his eyes shiftily moving from side to side. He beckoned her closer with a finger. She stepped forwards, completely bewildered.

"Let's have a chat."

"Ok?" she asked confused about his sudden change of behaviour. He usually would have just leapt up to her and started talking at the top of his lungs. His sudden whispering was not helping Arikka relax.

"Not here. She has spies everywhere." He said while glancing over his shoulder.

"Who?"

"Nanao-chan."

Arikka sighed. Shunsui probably just wanted to talk to someone to get out of doing some work. She nodded and walked behind Shunsui as he led the way towards an old unused room at the back of the division. It wouldn't have taken so long to get there, but Shunsui was caught up in the moment and every now and then would flatten himself against the wall or hide behind a door or do a completely unnecessary roll across the corridor. He decided that he would make a brilliant spy. Passing Shinigami wondered why their captain was acting so odd.

Inside the room Shunsui sat down on one of the old boxes around the place. Arikka followed suit.

"So, Rika-chan," Shunsui started, now back in his full dramatic voice, "it has recently been brought to my attention that I am not your godfather. I have been informed, however, that this is only because of your father's reluctance and that he apparently thinks I'm irresponsible and a letch that would hit on you as soon as you were old enough to date. This is just a small technicality and I have decided to continue my duties as your acting godfather despite certain people's inconsiderate attitudes and the obstacles they may throw in my way!"

Arikka sighed. She silently thanked her father.

"Is that what you wanted to tell me?"

"No, I have something much more important to discuss with you." He said. Arikka waited for him to elaborate. He didn't.

"What?" she finally asked.

Shunsui leant in closely, as if what he was about to divulge was a great secret. "You… have no boyfriend."

Arikka frowned. She already knew that. She didn't need Shunsui to point it out to her.

"And?"

Shunsui looked shocked. "And you should!"

"Why?"

"Because boyfriends are good for you!" Shunsui answered, looking as if he was the cleverest man alive. "They help protect you and act as a manly knight and can help you unwind after a long day and make all your problems disappear!"

Arikka blinked. Yeah, because all Nanao's problems had vanished since she had met Shunsui. In no way at all was her life ten times more difficult.

"Look, Kyoraku-taicho," she said seriously, "I'm perfectly happy at the moment without a boyfriend and I don't really think I need your help in the matter."

"Nonsense, nonsense. Of course you need my help. What are godfathers for?" Arikka was going to tell him that she didn't think they were for this sort of thing but Shunsui had started off on another roll. "Now I've comprised a list of all possible suitors and I have then narrowed it down to these ten." He whipped a piece of paper with what looked to be a list of names written on out of his pocket. "Now, this one here from the fourth division is nice and all but he's also a bit of a wimp, and I think you need a properly beefy man to look after you. This one from the eleventh is also nice but he's continuously training and to be frank I don't think he even knows what girls are. This one's got a bit of a funny nose and this one can't dance. I have therefore concluded that the only person suitable for dating my goddaughter in the entire Seireitei is this one."

He stuck the piece of paper under Arikka's nose, pointing with his thumb at the name at the top of the list. He didn't really need to point. It was clear from the multiple underlining, circling and pretty little stars dotted around it that this was the one he favoured most. Arikka read the name. She gagged.

"Hitsugaya-taicho?" she yelled in shock.

"Indeed."

"Uh, no." Arikka told him frankly.

"Why not?"

"Because he's- he's-" Arikka didn't really know how to finish that sentence. Shunsui jumped in for her.

"Tall? Good-looking? Macho? Got that grumpy serious thing that girls like so much going on? I'm good at the grumpy thing." He said with a nod. Arikka raised her eyebrows. When had Shunsui ever been grumpy in his entire life? Shunsui seemed to know what Arikka was thinking. "Well, I don't show my grumpy face to you, do I? You're my goddaughter! But see, doesn't the grumpy look suit me?"

He scrunched up his eyebrows and pouted. Arikka thought he just looked constipated.

"Sorry, taicho," she said standing up, "but me and Hitsugaya-taicho just isn't going to happen."

"What? But-" He was too late. Arikka had already walked out the door. "As your captain I order you to date Toshiro-san!"

He pouted and looked to the other side of the room where I large pile of boxes stood. "Sorry, Rangiku-san, I don't think it worked."

Matsumoto popped out from behind the boxes. Shunsui was surprised to see her smiling. She waved an arm casually through the air.

"Don't worry." She said sitting down on the box previously occupied by Arikka. "The idea's been planted and that's all we need. I'm already working on the other side of this conundrum. Besides, Rika-chan will have to go back to our office soon."

"Really? Why?"

"She left her bag there this morning."

Shunsui laughed. He was extremely happy about this little project of Matsumoto's. If anything else, he really wanted cute little white-haired Kuchikis running around. All those young minds ready to be moulded!

"Now, on to more serious matters, my dear," he said, screwing up his forehead, "what do you think of my grumpy face?"

Matsumoto looked at him and tilted her head to the side.

"Are you constipated?"

* * *

"What ya doing, Shiro-chan?"

Toshiro's eyebrow twitched. He did not like being disturbed, especially by this monster.

"Nothing. Go away."

"Aww, that's not very nice, Shiro-chan." Yachiru whined as she sat on the chair opposite his desk and dumped her feet up onto the table. Toshiro's eyebrow twitched again. "I've got something to ask you."

"What?" he grumbled, continuing signing some more pointless forms. The sooner he had heard Yachiru out, the sooner she would leave. And he did want her to leave. Right now.

"You know Ken-chan?" Toshiro grunted in response. Yachiru took this for a 'oh, please do continue'. "You know how he acts all weird around Braid-beard?"

Toshiro looked up and frowned. "Unohana?"

"Yeah, Braid-beard. Well, it's been obvious for absolutely ages now that he just wants to run off with her and do ever so naughty things to her in the back of a pick-up truck with a bowl of chocolate buttons," she said naturally. Toshiro wished he hadn't heard that. "But he's too damn stubborn and manly to do anything about it. It's getting really annoying. And Braid-beard's not going to do anything because she's all old and stuff. But don't worry-" Toshiro really wasn't "- for I have come up with a cunning plan!"

"Oh dear." He muttered. He knew Yachiru's plans. They were always dangerous and never cunning.

"_You_ are going to ask Braid-beard out."

Toshiro actually dropped his writing brush. He stared at her disbelievingly.

"No," she told her firmly, "I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"And how would that benefit anybody?" he asked incredulously.

"Well," Yachiru said slowly, rolling her eyes as if it were obvious, "when Ken-chan hears that somebody else has their sights set on doing the dirty with Braid-beard he'll realise that he has to get a move on and do something about that little voice in his head that keeps telling him she'd look good lying in a field without any clothes on."

"And I suppose me getting torn to pieces by Zaraki is another part of your plan?"

"Probably." She answered matter-of-factly. Toshiro glared at her. She smirked at him. "But you'd get something out of it as well."

"What?"

"You'd probably get a good f-"

"_What_?" Toshiro yelled at her. This woman was unbelievable. There was no way in hell he'd risk the wrath of Zaraki just for a chance at… _that_. He didn't even want to do that with Unohana!

Yachiru continued as if he hadn't interrupted. "And you really need a good f-"

"_Yachiru_!"

"-I mean, just looking at you makes me feel all sexually frustrated."

Toshiro slammed his hands down onto the desk and screamed, "I am not sexually frustrated!"

"…I'll come back later."

Toshiro looked up flabbergasted to see a scared looking Hisagi quickly shutting the door and scarpering. He turned back to Yachiru.

"Now look what you did!"

"I thought you'd be jumping at the chance of getting some." She sighed.

"Well I'm not! So just go ask someone else to be a part of your ridiculous suicide attempt!"

"I just thought that with you being sexually frustrated and all tha-"

"_I am not sexually frustrated_!"

"… I'll come back later."

Toshiro's eyes again shot to the door where a rapidly retreating Kira was shutting the barrier. Toshiro turned his wide-eyed glare to Yachiru. She put a finger to her chin in thought. Toshiro had the urge to freeze that finger off, but reminded himself that doing so would only mean Zaraki would slaughter him anyway. Damn that hulk of muscle.

"Now there's an idea." She said pensively.

"What?" Toshiro grunted at her.

"Kira could ask Braid-beard out. He has to do anything I say; I am his captain." Toshiro decided to not mention to Yachiru about how that would a grievous misuse of her authority. He instead focused on pointing out the obvious flaw in her reasoning.

"Everyone knows Kira fancies Ukitake."

Yachiru waved a dismissive hand. "A minor detail."

Toshiro sighed. "Good. Now go away."

"But we still haven't sorted out your problem with the sexual frustra-"

"_I am not_-" Toshiro paused and looked to the doorway, expecting to see someone else barge into his office without asking. No one appeared. Toshiro decided he still didn't want to risk anything. "I'm not… that."

"Oooh! I know! I know!" Yachiru suddenly brought her feet down from the table, sat up straight and raised a hand into the air. She sounded positively ecstatic. Toshiro braced himself for the worst possible idea. "Rika-chan!"

Toshiro picked up his writing brush and started filling out the forms in front of him again. He wasn't really in the mood to listen to any more ramblings from a madwoman. "What about her?"

"You should do the nasty with her!"

Toshiro gagged.

"Kuchiki?"

"Yep."

"Uh, no." he told her firmly.

"Why not?"

"Because she's- she's-" Toshiro didn't really know how to finish that sentence. Yachiru did it for him.

"Pretty? With a good body?" Toshiro tried not to blush at the memories from earlier today. "Got that whole serious rebel thing going on that guys like? You should totally screw her. I bet she wouldn't mind. You're good-looking enough and it's better than grabbing some woman off the street. You never know what kind of disease you might catch from one of those."

Toshiro had finally had enough.

"_I am not having sex with Kuchiki_!"

"… I'll- I'll-"

Toshiro looked at the door, his eyes the size of dinner plates. Arikka stood there, not looking much better. She didn't seem to be blinking.

"-come back later?" Yachiru offered, not in the slightest worried about what Arikka had just heard.

"… yes." Arikka said before promptly slamming the door shut in her face.

Yachiru grinned.

Matsumoto would be happy with her.

**Wow, slightly longer that one. Although it was still rather short compared to some other people.**

**Gah, it's hot out. It's like 30 degrees (85 degrees Fahrenheit) out or somin. Way too hot for a London gal like me who's more used to 10 degrees. My brain has melted. But I do like summer fashion. Lots of floaty dresses and girly stuff.**

**Anyways, poem time.**

**It's too hot to do much  
Too hot to care  
And because of such  
You better beware  
The review monster is coming  
It creeps up your spine  
And sticks in your plumbing  
Eating all reviews it can find.**

**Don't let the review monster eat your reviews! Send them quick!**


	5. Nightmares

**Sorry about the wait. As I explained on my profile page I had loads of schoolwork, my computer broke down, and I've been on holiday. I've got Windows 7 now though! Yay! No more crappy Vista which causes Moss to shout 'We're going to die!' Lol, only the Brits will get that. I love Moss.**

**Chapter 5: Nightmares**

Arikka rolled over in her sleep. A quiet whimper escaped her lips, although inside her mind she could not hear it.

She was burning. She must be. There was fire everywhere.

She strained her eyes and tried to peer her way through the smoke and flames, the air hazy from the heat, unable to make anything out. She was hot certainly, but she wasn't in pain. She didn't feel as if the flames were yet wrapping themselves around her flesh, ripping its way across her skin. She wasn't dying.

She took a determined step forwards, some part of her mind knowing exactly where she was going, and felt the heat grow as the fire closed in around her. She continued, step after step, until she was positive she must be running. Her tread somehow felt heavier than usual – more sturdy and resolute. How could that be when she didn't even know why she was moving?

As she ran she noticed the flames gradually shrinking away, the heat fading. But the smoke remained and hung about like dense smog, choking and obscuring her vision. She was still moving. She didn't know why and she didn't know where to, but she knew it was important she did. She could still hear the crackling of the fire behind her, but it was growing more distant with every heavy step. Then something else caught in her ears. A rushing hum – as if something was hurrying through the thick smoke towards her. She had only a moment to contemplate the deep feeling of hatred that was going through her mind before she fell, pain erupting in the pits of her abdomen. She knelt where she was and looked down, but the smoke was still too thick. More hums through the air and more pain in her chest. She felt weak. She couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Slowly, she lifted a hand into the air and felt her torso.

Her fingers clasped around the shaft of one to the thin objects protruding forth.

_I am not having sex with Kuchiki!_

Instantly the smoke cleared. Arikka sat up sleepily.

"Rika-chan, have you been paying attention?"

Arikka's gaze shifted to the man now looking at her with raised eyebrows. She yawned. "Kyoraku-taicho?"

"Yes, well now we're all awake, we can get back to the lesson." Shunsui said in a far more serious voice than Arikka thought she had ever heard him use before.

Lesson? Arikka looked around and jumped. Why was she back in Haru's classroom in the preschool? And why was she sitting in her very old, and small, plastic seat right at the back of the class? And why weren't there any other students there? And why, oh, why was Shunsui standing in front of the blackboard with his best grumpy face on and a board pointer in his hands?

"As I was saying," Shunsui continued as Arikka frowned and tried to remember why she was here again, "a decent boyfriend is a very difficult thing to come by here in Seireitei. Therefore once you have acquired one it is of the utmost importance for you to ensure it remains in your possession. This can be achieved with the use of several different methods. The first method is that of emotional blackmail."

Matsumoto popped up from behind the teacher's desk, sake bottle swinging from her hand. She fell in front of Shunsui and grabbed at the hem of his haori.

"Oh, Shunsui, if you leave me I'll jump off a cliff and kill myself!"

Arikka blinked. "What-"

"The second method," Shunsui persisted, "is that of bargaining."

Yachiru appeared from behind the same teacher's desk. She jumped all the way to Shunsui where she promptly fell beside Matsumoto and also took the hem of his haori in her hands.

"Oh, Shunsui, if you stay with me I'll make you your favourite meal every day!"

Arikka was now seriously confused. This was just plain weird.

"The third method," said Shunsui, "is that of pregnancy."

It was Nanao's turn to magically appear from behind the magic teacher's desk of magic. She walked over to Shunsui and collapsed beside a still fawning Yachiru. Arikka noticed the lack of the book.

"Oh, Shunsui, you cannot leave me now for I am pregnant with our child, you must stay with us forever."

Arikka could have fainted from shock.

"The fourth – and most successful – method," Shunsui said, completely ignoring the strange behaviour of his love, "is that of sex."

Arikka looked at the desk, expecting some other woman to burst forth. No one appeared. Arikka sighed in relief and turned back to her captain. She almost fell off her chair when she saw that Matsumoto, Yachiru and Nanao had all vanished. Instead, sitting defiantly in their place, staring right at her without blinking, was a very angry Toshiro. Arikka stared back, slightly scared by the look on Toshiro's face.

She only vaguely registered the words Shunsui was saying.

"Now, sex can be a very difficult thing to master, and so to help you I have brought in a scientific specialist to guide us through the process."

Arikka finally drew her attention away from a still unblinking Toshiro and back to Shunsui. She jumped a little to see someone else standing beside him. She hadn't heard the door opening or anything.

"Intercourse is common throughout the animal kingdom and many different styles have developed over the centuries of its practise." Arikka frowned. She really didn't want to hear Mayuri say those kind of things. "There may be the obvious difference between males and females with their genitalia, but there are also more subtle differences that I have observed."

Arikka tried to erase that from her memory forever.

Mayuri's face suddenly obscured her entire vision and she stared surprised at his golden eyes that were now just inches away.

"No, you cannot have a cookie!"

"I- I didn't ask for a cookie." Arikka made out. Before the sentence had even been finished Mayuri was standing perfectly calmly beside a sombre-looking Shunsui and a still staring Toshiro on the floor.

Shunsui started speaking again. "Now, me and Mayuri-san have decided that the best way to teach you the delicate art of the erotic would be a demonstration. Therefore…"

He clapped his hands and him and Mayuri were both suddenly naked.

Arikka screamed.

"What?"

Arikka sat up swiftly, her breathing ragged, but she kept her eyes firmly shut. She really didn't want to see that sight again. She was so busy trying to delete the image from her mind and burn it so that it would never dare set foot inside her head again, that she didn't even notice that she wasn't sitting on a cold miniature plastic chair, or that she could now hear birds singing merrily as a breeze danced across her face. She didn't even notice that her hands were not touching the smooth surface of a plastic-topped table, but were instead scrunched up by her sides in something soft and light.

"Rika-chan, what is it?"

Something clicked in Arikka's head. That voice was most definitely not Shunsui. Nor Mayuri. It wasn't even Toshiro. She cracked open an eye.

"Mum?"

"Who were you expecting? The tooth fairy? I could put on a pair of wings if you wanted me to?"

Arikka opened her eyes fully, relieved to see that she was in a completely naked-Shunsui-and-Mayuri-free room. Her room. Her breathing began to return to a more human rate.

"Wattup?" her mother asked her lazily as she leant against the door frame to the room.

Arikka shook her head. "Nothing. Just a nightmare."

An awful, scarring, hideous nightmare that would no doubt stop her sleeping for weeks.

Kya cocked her head to the side. "Aren't you a bit old for that sort of thing?"

Arikka ran a hand through her hair, trying to wake up properly. "You're such a caring mother."

"Yep. Now get up. You've got work."

Arikka nodded and heard the door close as her mother left. She sighed and rubbed her head. She was just having the usual dream. The one where she ran through the fire she usually had at least once a year and she had grown accustomed to the sharp pain that came before the end when she most often just blacked out. But what was with this new one? It was far more frightening.

Sure, the terrifying scene right before she awoke was probably going to be the most psychologically wounding, but there was another crucial element to the nightmare that somehow seemed much more important.

Obviously, yesterday's events with Toshiro had affected her more than she had realised.

It was his expression that troubled her so much. Arikka wished it was blank, but it wasn't. It was as if he truly loathed her.

Toshiro, like the other members of the Gotei Thirteen, had just always been there for Arikka. The seats may have changed slightly from time to time but they were always there. Irresolute. And Toshiro had always been around looking for a drunken Matsumoto or yelling at Kya or some such thing. He was a part of her life.

But that most definitely did not mean she wanted anything more with him.

Ok, so he was cute. But he was also a moody bastard. Arikka didn't think she had seen him smile once. Ever. In all her life. And he was cold to almost everyone. And he had one hell of a bad temper. No, Arikka did not fancy his personality one bit. And that wasn't even starting on the fact that he was a captain who had known her since she was in diapers. That would be just plain wrong. But he _was_ cute. And his messy white hair was so very pretty.

No.

Just because he was good-looking it didn't mean she liked him like that.

Definitely not.

Arikka was not going to let Shunsui get to her.

And that was all it was, after all.

* * *

"Rika-chan, can you take Haru to school on your way to work?"

Arikka shrugged and slumped down into the seat at the table. "Sure."

"Goody, only I'm not feeling too good this morning." Kya said with a rather peculiar expression on her face. Arikka just looked down at the bare table in front of her.

"Where's breakfast?" she asked confused.

It was Kya's turn to shrug. "I fired the cook."

Arikka's head snapped up, her eyes wide with devastation. "Why?" she demanded.

"He called me fat!"

"Really?" Arikka asked sceptically. She couldn't ever imagine their friendly elderly cook calling anyone fat, let alone her mother.

"Well… almost…" Kya said nervously. Arikka sighed. "He pointed out how big I've gotten, which is basically the same thing."

Arikka blinked. "Mum." She started bluntly. "You're pregnant. Of course you're getting bigger."

Kya looked down at her belly which was now bulging with the eight month old foetus inside. She looked back up and pouted. "Yes, well… he probably deserved it anyway."

Arikka thought it would be a good time to change to conservation. "What are we doing for breakfast?"

"Oh, your father's cooking it." Kya said with a wave of her hand. Just then Arikka jumped as a piece of toast hurtled its way through the air and landed squarely in the centre of Kya's face. It flopped onto the table and landed with a slight crunch. Kya didn't seem remotely bothered. She turned her head towards the open kitchen door. "Dear, I don't eat toast anymore! It makes me vomit!"

Arikka heard a clatter of pans from the other room.

Kya held the piece of toast out to Arikka. "Toast?"

Arikka sighed and took it. She had gotten almost half way through it when an ovoid shape came rushing past her. The egg also hit her mother square on the nose. It was obviously hard-boiled as when it struck it did not crack open into a slimy mess but only fell limply onto the table like the toast. Kya turned her head and called to the kitchen again. "I don't eat eggs either!"

More crashing of pans.

Byakuya suddenly appeared in the doorway. He did not look happy.

"What is it, then, that you would like?" he asked calmly.

Kya bit her lip and looked off to the side in thought. Decisively, she nodded and turned back to him.

"Applesauce."

"Applesauce?" he asked with a blank expression. Kya nodded. Byakuya's eyes narrowed the slightest fraction of a millimetre. "We have not got any applesauce."

"Then go get some."

Arikka sighed. She wished Haru would hurry up and finish getting ready for school.

"I shall ask the housemaid." Byakuya said.

"Good luck." Kya let out a hollow laugh and shrugged again at the question on Byakuya's face. "I fired her."

There was a crash as Byakuya dropped the pan he was still holding. "Why?"

"She didn't have any applesauce." She explained as if it were obvious. "Go buy some."

"Kya, you cannot keep on firing my staff because of your hormones. Soon there will not even be the nanny." Kya smiled guiltily. "You fired the nanny, didn't you?"

Kya laughed nervously.

Byakuya let out a full blown glare before storming back into the kitchen.

Kya hadn't finished and called after him. "Oh, and we're out of groceries so you'll need to go shopping today. And one of the elders popped around reminding you that there's a meeting this afternoon. And it would be great if you could just go and clear up the nearest bathroom; I was sick in there earlier. Thanks."

Arikka was pretty certain half the plates had just been smashed.

She was only too happy when Haru sauntered into the room, his backpack ready on his shoulders and a grin on his face.

"Time to go!"

**Wow that was weird. Haven't written properly about Kya in ages. I'm trying to keep her scenes a minimum for those of you who didn't read BKSoS, but she is going to slip in now and then.**

**Oh, I don't find the thought of naked Shunsui or Mayuri scary at all. I find it rather… what was I talking about again?**

**Yeah, that chap was odd weren't it? :S not too sure about it meself.**

**I've noticed that ff has taken out all of the page breaks for my other stories. Sorry about that. They still read ok though and I cannot be arsed to fix them. Live with it.**

**No one's really reviewing atm, so I don't really know if ppl are actually liking this fic. It would really help me if you did review! Just so I know how many ppl are enjoying it and also what sort of stuff u like the best. Coz atm theres only like 4 ppl reviewing. Which is sad.**

**Boohoo Boohoo  
You're all a bunch of poos  
Who don't leave reviews**


	6. Phase Two

**Won't even bother apologising about the hiatus as I'm sure none of my old readers are even still around on FF.**

**Chapter 6: Phase two**

The plotter stared out of the window, a devilish grin slathered across their face, their fingers beating out a steady rhythm upon the table top.

Phase one was complete. It had worked out even better than they had originally planned. The pieces were all set, the cards were ready to fall exactly how they wanted them to. It wouldn't be long now. Not much more work would be needed, and everything would then slot neatly into place. It was almost too easy.

Phase two was already underway. Their minions were currently performing the tasks that needed to be done. All that was left for them to do was to push the final button.

Then the power would be theirs.

The door opened and slammed shut, awakening the plotter from their fiendish thoughts. They peeled their eyes away from the window and turned, readjusting their expression to one more innocent before focusing on whom it was that had entered their domain.

"Didn't I tell you to do something about those files already?"

"But, Taicho, I've been so busy!"

Hitsugaya sighed and slumped into the chair behind his own desk. "Sure you have, Matsumoto, sure you have."

* * *

Arikka knocked on the door three times before casually pushing it open and stepping inside.

"Hey," she greeted the person already inside, "What you up to, Ken-chan?"

Zaraki slammed his palms down onto his desk as workers are prone to do in their annoyance. Zaraki, however, was quite a bit stronger than the average worker and as soon as his hands hit the surface of the wood little cracks began to form against the grain. These cracks didn't appear to affect the stability of the desk and ten seconds passed without anything happening. Zaraki glared up at Arikka. "What the hell do you want?"

The desk folded in on itself, collapsing into a pile of rubble.

"Uh," Arikka started, taken slightly off guard by Zaraki's unusually foul mood, "Yachiru told me to meet her here for some reason. I assumed it had something to do with you."

"_Like hell it does!_" Zaraki screamed as, quite dramatically, he stood, hauled the broken debris of table into his arms and threw the entire pile out of the window. This would have been easier if the window had been open, but as it was the pieces of wood flew straight into the solid glass, shattering it outwards with a tremendous crash.

Arikka frowned. Zaraki was abnormally short-tempered, yes, but this destructive rampage remained a tad too unpredictable even for him. What had that desk done to him? She raised an eyebrow in concern. "Are you alright?"

"I'm," Zaraki began yelling again, punching his hand to destroy any of the glass that had miraculously survived his previous attack out of the frame, "fine!"

"I can see that. You've got about fifteen splinters in your right hand, by the way."

Zaraki turned to her faster than most people would have thought the huge bulk of a man could move. His next words were not merely shouted, but instead roared directly into Arikka's face, causing her to shut her eyes at the onslaught of breath and noise. "_Zaraki doesn't get splinters!_"

Arikka waited a second before serenely tucking a strand of hair that had been blown out of place behind her ear. "Clearly."

Zaraki swung around to face the nearest filing cabinet and growled menacingly at it.

"And when did Zaraki start talking in the third person?" Arikka asked.

"_When the third person started talking back!"_ Zaraki's scream answered.

Arikka blinked, now thoroughly confused. Did that even make sense? "Huh?"

Zaraki let out a final howl at the taunting ceiling before stomping out of the room, not even bothering to open the door as he did and instead simply ripping it off its hinges and throwing at the nearest weakling he could see. The tiny fourth squad member squealed and crumpled under its weight. Their protruding leg twitched a couple of times before becoming still.

Arikka stood in stunned silence and watched Zaraki march away, occasionally sending a fist into anyone's face that got too close.

Arikka blinked.

That was unusual.

It was a minute later when someone walked up to the room, saw the tattered remains of the doorway, and sighed. "Urgh, not again."

Arikka furrowed her eyebrows at them. "What's up with Ken-chan?"

Ikkaku sauntered into the office, a scorn on his shiny head. He waltzed up to the only enduring table in the room and grunted.

"This." He explained neatly before dumping the large pile of papers he was carrying onto his desk. "And as his bloody lieutenant I'm left to deal with it all when he's in one of his moods."

Arikka walked over to the desk and peered down at the stack of crisp sheets. "What is it?"

The bad mood seemed to be catching. "Bloody paperwork, that's what it bloody is!"

Arikka frown only deepened. She hadn't been expecting that. Paperwork? But… "I thought the eleventh division didn't do any paperwork – it was too wimpy and only for girls?"

"That's what I thought when I joined!" Ikkaku cried in frustration. Arikka thought this was probably one of the main reasons he joined the eleventh squad in the first place; no requirement to waste time writing when you could be smashing people's heads in. "But apparently Yamamoto's had enough of it and is making us fill out the stupid things like everybody else! He and Taicho had this long meeting about it or something. The stupid old git."

Arikka didn't think that was entirely fair, but she did kind of see Ikkaku's point. Yamamoto wasn't really renowned for his decision-making skills. Quite a lot had gone wrong in his time as leader, and that was putting it lightly. But maybe this was different; maybe he was just tired of having the fourth division headquarters constantly filled with mutilated eleventh squad bodies. That's what paperwork was for, wasn't it? It was purely to distract the Shinigami from any possible destructive thoughts.

"That's why Ken-chan's so upset?" she asked disbelievingly. She doubted having to fill in a few forms would cause him to throw a sodding desk out the window. That was a bit of an overreaction by anyone's standards.

Ikkaku shrugged. "What else could it be?"

"Maybe he's upset about something more personal?" Arikka suggested. "You know, something to do with his feelings?"

Ikkaku reacted immediately. "My captain does not get upset about _feelings_!"

Arikka saw her mistake instantly. In this squadron, the f word was something entirely different than what the rest of the world thought it was. Feelings were not allowed anywhere near here. They were icky and not nearly macho enough. The only feelings permitted were boredom and indigestion, and they were seriously pushing it.

Arikka smiled and nodded, choosing not to voice her inner thoughts on the matter.

* * *

Ikkaku had been pulled away five minutes later by some floundering seventeenth seat who didn't know what to do about the remnants of a fence Zaraki had ripped out of the ground on his way out of the building. Arikka had chosen to sit on his chair and wait until Yachiru showed up. Yachiru had never been widely known for her punctuality and so Arikka thought nothing of how late she was now becoming. She was probably just leaping on and attacking squirrels in the park. That seemed to be one of favourite pastimes, along with eating copious amounts of candy and abusing her power.

It therefore surprised Arikka when the next person to walk through the hole of a doorway was not the pink haired blitz, but instead someone entirely different.

"Oh," they said in way of greeting, pausing in their gait, "Kuchiki."

"Oh," Arikka fired right back, alarm highlighting her features, "err, hi."

Hitsugaya peered around the wreckage of the room. Arikka had a funny feeling he was trying not to look at her directly. She also had a funny feeling as to why that was. "Where's Madarame?"

"Busy." She answered simply. Hitsugaya finally turned his attention to her. For some reason Arikka found her eyes dart down towards the desk in front of her. "He'll be back soon."

There was a second's pause before Hitsugaya replied. "Ok."

They stayed like that for another two minutes, both preoccupying themselves by staring at irrelevant pieces of furniture. Finally Hitsugaya broke the silence. "If you want to see Zaraki, there's a trial of rubble-"

"No, uh, Yachiru wanted to meet me here." Arikka interrupted. She looked up in time to see Hitsugaya blankly nod. She chewed on the inside of her cheek and turned away again. "Why are you here?"

"Got a message saying Madarame wanted to see me," he answered.

It was Arikka's turn to nod expressionlessly. "Right."

Another minute rolled by in silence. A dense fog of tension seemed to have descended upon the room and neither of them could see a way through it. Tumbleweed could have rolled on past the door and no one would have thought to question it.

"Nice weather we're having."

"Yeah."

Crickets chirped in the background. Arikka could hear the vague yells of Shinigami permeating through the broken window, but didn't really find them interesting enough to distract her from this torturous quiet. She wished Ikkaku would hurry up and get back, or even better, Yachiru would at long last turn up like she was supposed to.

Hitsugaya sighed.

"Look, err, Kuchiki," he started ever so bravely, "about what I said yesterday, I mean, what you heard, err-"

"It's fine."

Hitsugaya blinked. "I know. I was just making sure you did too."

Arikka looked at him, frowning slightly. "Good?"

Hitsugaya grunted and swung his head around decisively to inspect the paint on the walls. "Good."

This was not going so well.

Five hideous, ghastly minutes of pained silence later Arikka was about to give up on Yachiru and leave. She even stood up in preparation. Yet something chose that precise moment to stop her in her tracks.

Both she and Hitsugaya's faces darted over to where they heard it. Arikka narrowed her eyes curiously. "What's that?"

The bizarre noise continued. Hitsugaya raised a hand in a gesture that Arikka guessed meant shut it. They listened, straining their ears to get a betting hint at what was echoing out of the store cupboard and into the office.

Hitsugaya started towards it. Arikka followed.

Soon they were stood in front of the cupboard door, ears pressed against the wooden surface. As they continued to listen, Arikka realised that what had originally sounded like some high-pitched murmurs, in fact contained words. The words, however, just confused her further.

"_Help me! Help me! I'm a bee! I flew into this big space and now I can't get out! Won't someone please open the door and save me? Buzz! Buzz! Help!"_

Arikka gazed at Hitsugaya questioningly. "Apparently it's a bee."

Hitsugaya gave her a patronising stare before saying plainly, "Bees don't talk."

Arikka shrugged. "Neither do foxes and look at Sajin. Granted, he doesn't talk much, but he still can. I bet he would if he was trapped in a cupboard."

Hitsugaya sighed and rolled his eyes. Komamura would not get trapped in a cupboard. Ever. He reached for the handle on the door and Arikka stepped away so that he could pull it open.

They both prepared themselves for whatever horrifying Mayuri-science-experiment of a bee flew out at them, perhaps desiring nothing more than to sting them both to death. Firmly, decisively, Hitsugaya yanked the door open and let it go so that it thudded into the wall beside them. He reached an arm into its depths and flicked the tiny light switch so that a yellow glow was cast upon the items within; allowing them clear sight of whatever it was luring them in.

There was nothing.

"What?" Arikka asked. She stepped into the closet and twisted on the spot, scanning the file covered shelves for any sign of life.

All the while the quiet squealing continued. "_Buzz! Please help me! I'm just a poor innocent bee! I only want to lead a simple, happy life out in the wide open! Oh, how I long to dance among the flowers! The pollen, the honey! Why won't anybody help me? Buzz!_"

In this echoic space it was difficult to gauge exactly where the voice was coming from. Arikka moved a few boxes of files and peered around in an attempt to get closer to the source. Hitsugaya joined her in doing so.

"What the-"

Arikka spun around at Hitsugaya's bewildered words and peered down at the object he had a hold of in his right hand. Now it was out in the open, there was no doubt that this was where the bee was supposedly trapped. "Is that… is that a tape recorder?"

"_Buzz! Buzz! That's right, open the door! Quickly now!"_

"I think so." Hitsugaya replied, his usual frown only heightened.

"_I'm at the back! Buzz! You'll have to both come in and look for me!_ _Both of you, mind_!"

"Why would anyone-"

Arikka didn't get to finish her question.

She was cut off quite rudely by a loud slam as the door to the cupboard pounded shut behind them. The tape in the recorder ran out and new noises could now be heard from behind the door. There was some form of metallic scratching that sounded suspiciously like a key moving in a lock.

"Did someone just lock us in?" Arikka exclaimed frantically.

Hitsugaya didn't answer that, not wanting to cause a panic. If he wasn't mistaken, the lock had just made an ominous click.

He extended his arm, grasping at the door handle. Taking a deep breath, he prepared himself for the worst. He turned the handle and pushed.

The door swung open smoothly.

"No." he finally answered.

Arikka blinked, watching as Hitsugaya escaped from the cupboard in an easy step. "Oh."

* * *

The plotter grumbled something rather unpleasant under their breath.

That wasn't how it went in the movies. Why hadn't anyone told them the bloody lock was broken? They would have thought at least one of their minions would have realised and informed them. And they had used their best bee voice and everything!

Matsumoto swore.

Phase two had not gone according to plan.

* * *

**I'm back! Woohoo! We'll see how long it lasts. Hopefully a while since I've now finished school forever so have absolutely no work until I start uni in Sept. Good times.**

**Lookie at the chapter  
Isn't it divine?  
Won't you please review it?  
If not, you are a swine!**


	7. Green Milk

**Chapter 7: Green milk**

Matsumoto was in a foul mood.

Hitsugaya hadn't noticed because Matsumoto's foul moods tended to manifest themselves the exact same way all her other moods did – usually involving copious amounts of alcohol – making them difficult to spot. It meant, however, he had to put up with a drunken lieutenant sprawled across the office sofa instead of working.

Matsumoto could tell what a mood she was in, though, namely because it was her mood. And it was not pleasant.

Why didn't anything ever go her way?

Arikka had clearly been avoiding this division for the past few days, and her stubborn captain wasn't exactly likely to suddenly realise out of thin air that he truly, madly, deeply loved the girl from the bottom of his heart. She'd need a miracle for something like that to ha-

Matsumoto paused, her mouth hanging open like a goldfish and the sake bottle swaying dangerously from her hand as a bolt of lightning struck her brain and frazzled the contents into something only vaguely worse for wear than usual. Whatever decrease in brain cells was almost certainly worth it.

She had a plan. She just needed one thing.

And she just happened to know exactly where that one thing would be.

* * *

Mayuri tried to block out the incessant din coming from around him, hoping that by reciting the human periodic table in his brain he might finally drown it out. He was already at one hundred and six – Seaborgium, and it didn't appear to be working yet.

If only he could gas the bloody things like rats.

Either that or cut off all their tiny little arms. That would serve them right for being so damn excitable.

"Can I have a cookie?"

Mayuri slammed his hands down onto the miniature plastic table and glared, thoroughly fed up with the question which he had received at least once every single day for the past week.

"No, you cannot have a cookie!" he repeated yet again. "I do not have cookies! I am a scientist! If you want some hydrogen chloride then fine, but no cookies!"

The small blonde girl in front of him looked at him wide-eyed. Her nose twitched. Her lip trembled. Her eyes watered. She started bawling.

Mayuri recoiled violently from the screaming child. What was this? Why were these miniscule people so prone to leaking? They should get their eye sockets serviced immediately! And their genitalia – they also leaked rather often, and when that happened a nasty smell tended to waft through the air. People simply didn't build children like they used to.

Mayuri was about to turn back to the blackboard, where he had so helpfully drawn an accurate to-scale diagram of the Shinigami digestive system, when the classroom door dramatically threw itself open.

Mayuri spun around, hoping that maybe someone had come to rescue him from this nightmare once and for all, but was only met with the sight of something far worse than these monstrous brats.

"Ah, Mayuri-san, I knew you'd make a great teacher!"

Mayuri narrowed his golden eyes as far as they would go. "What the hell do you want?"

Shunsui practically danced his way into the room. He paused when he reached the still screaming girl and bent down to meet her eye level. "Now, don't cry there. I know Kurotsuchi-sensei's face isn't handsome or manly, but he's only a big mutated puppy really."

The girl sniffed. Then the thought of a giant mutated puppy entered her head and she started wailing louder.

Shunsui smiled nervously. He wasn't expecting that sort of reaction. He rubbed the back of his neck and stood upright, deciding that maybe the girl was better left alone. "So, Mayuri-san, how're things going?"

"Fine." Mayuri snapped back. "Now shove off."

Shunsui pouted. He wasn't used to being told to shove off by someone other than Nanao. It hurt. "But I came here to ask a favour of you."

"Well I don't do favours – just like I don't do cookies." Mayuri eyed the class meaningfully while saying this, daring the vermin to disagree with him. None of them did.

Shunsui smiled slyly. Mayuri wanted to run away. "Ok then, Mayuri-san, that's alright with me, but maybe it would be in your best interests to help me."

Mayuri gave him a blank look. "I doubt it. It never is."

Shunsui paused a second, before decisively plastering a smile to his face and ambling gaily to the door. "Cheerio then! I can see you're far too busy to be interested in a way to get out of these classes."

Mayuri froze, the words sinking into his mask-covered skull. Then, suddenly, "Wait! Halt! Go no further! Cease! Heel!"

Mayuri's shouts flew through the air, but Shunsui didn't appear to be listening. Mayuri was growing desperate. Drastic measures needed to be taken. "By the power of Grayskull I command you to stop!"

All the children simultaneously stood on their desks and beat their chests as if a spell had been cast upon them.

"_He-Man!" _they cried in unison.

Shunsui stopped. How could he not? He was a big fan of He-Man. He was rugged. He was manly. He wore a fur loincloth.

Shunsui wondered idly whether his own loincloth was ready to be picked up from the drycleaner's yet. He hoped so. Nanao would love it.

He was knocked out of his thoughts by Mayuri's frantic words. "What do I have to do?"

"_Well_," said Shunsui coyly, "I need a potion."

"A potion?"

"A potion."

"What kind of potion?"

"A love potion."

"A love potion?"

"A love potion."

The kid's faces darted from side to side during this exchange, as if they were watching an extremely interesting tennis game. Mayuri spotted this and realised he needed to put a stop to this silliness. He raised a hand in front of his face.

"Stop this silliness." He sighed at the surprised looks coming from around the room. "You want a love potion? Why do you think I even have one?"

"Well, Mayuri-san," Shunsui started, a grin creeping up his face, "you're a lonely man and it's a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a fortune must be in want of a love potion."

Mayuri dead panned. He wasn't entirely certain that was how it went. "Have you even read Pride and Prejudice?"

"Have _you_ read Pride and Prejudice?" Shunsui shot right back.

"No," Mayuri denied almost too quickly, "Mr Darcy is an indifferent arse. He is not attractive, unlike Mr Bingley. Why would I read a book focusing around that twit, Darcy?"

Shunsui thought Mayuri knew too much about Pride and Prejudice, but this wasn't what he came here for. He needed to get out of here quickly. Things were starting to turn strange. Spending too much time with Mayuri could inform you of things you really didn't want to know. "Look, do you have a love potion or not?"

Mayuri narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Who's it for?"

Shunsui didn't even hesitate. "Toshiro-san."

Mayuri balked, spluttering as he did. "But… wh… co… Come again?"

"Toshiro-san. Hitsugaya-taicho. Your colleague for hundreds of years."

Mayuri was silent for a second. "Oh, right. Just checking…" Mayuri scrutinised the man in front of him, coming to a decision. Of all the bad things he had done over the years, this just felt wrong. "I'm sorry, Kyoraku, but I don't think I can do this on ethical grounds."

"Ethical?" Shunsui asked, shocked. "But you're Mayuri Kurotsuchi. You don't know what ethics are, or morals, or normality."

"Well remembered!" Mayuri let out. He dug around inside his pocket, finally laying his hands on what he was looking for. He brought the packet of small pills out and extended it to the other captain. He withdrew his hand just before he passed them over. "Just to clarify, you want Hitsugaya to fall in love… with you… a man."

Shunsui looked mortified. "Good god, no! I want him to fall in love with Rika-chan!"

"Ohh," Mayuri elongated the noise, relieved and far less confused. "Try this."

Shunsui took the bag gratefully.

A passing Hanataro wandered into the room. "Ah, Kurotsuchi-taicho, I came to see how you're doing. I'm so glad you took this role. We've had such trouble trying to get new teachers."

He turned to Shunsui.

"Hello Kyoraku-taicho." He noticed the bag of tablets he was holding. "Ah, Rohypnol – the well-known date rape drug."

He turned back to Mayuri, smiling blankly.

Shunsui's face fell. "What?"

"Yes, Rohypnol!" Hanataro repeated happily.

"Mayuri-san, tell me this isn't true!"

Mayuri didn't change his expression. "Sorry – can't. I recently programmed myself not to lie. Lying is bad."

Shunsui gaped. "You call this a _love potion_?"

"At such short notice, yes."

Shunsui looked astonished at the mad scientist. "If I had wanted a date-rape drug, I would have cut out the middle man and gotten it myself!"

Mayuri narrowed his eyes. "I use mine for scientific experiments. What do you use yours for?"

There was a silence.

Shunsui was saved from answering, however, as out of nowhere, two of the children appeared, charged directly at them, and head-butted them in the groinal area. The two men collapsed. Shunsui thought he was going to be sick. When Mayuri next spoke, he voice was even higher than his high-pitched voice usually was.

"What was that?" he screeched, trying unsuccessfully to stumble to his feet again.

Hanataro patted the two offending children on the heads. "Well done! We taught them in Stranger Danger lessons that if anyone offers you something called Rohypnol, they should attack them, specifically the area between their legs."

"How proactive of you," Shunsui managed to sputter out. He thought things were getting out of hand here. He needed a break from this madness. And ice.

Lots of ice.

* * *

Mayuri stood in the dark room. The objects around him were illuminated by the large screen taking up most of the wall to his right. Black shadows fell across the floor, creating a satisfying eerie effect. The machines in the laboratory were still. They had completed their task for today. Mayuri was grateful for this. For one, it meant he wouldn't have to put up with the pink coated fool in front of him for much longer. That was of the utmost importance.

"So this is it?" Shunsui asked, inspecting the vial of green liquid he had in his hand.

"It was the best I could do, in the time given." Mayuri replied, "Now there are just a few rules to remember when using this."

Shunsui zoned out. He usually did when someone said the word 'rules'. His mind drifted into a different, more interesting, territory. Should he wear his straw hat with the loincloth or should he just go au natural? Which one would Nanao prefer? Maybe he should dye his hair to get the full He-Man experience? This was a difficult conundrum.

"But whatever you do," Mayuri continued, "do not mix it with dairy."

Shunsui realised that Mayuri had stopped speaking. He brought his mind to the present.

"Yes, yes, thank you, I got it. See you later, Mayuri-san."

And with that he left.

Mayuri frowned. He had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

Matsumoto hurried from the division headquarters. It was done. With any luck, Hitsugaya would be in love with Arikka within the hour. It had been so simple. She hadn't even had to leave the couch. Agent Pink had seen to everything.

Now all she had to do was wait.

Matsumoto was knocked out of her daze by a figure approaching through the night.

She wondered what Nanao was doing stumbling along the path outside the tenth division at such an hour.

The other woman passed without even acknowledging Matsumoto's presence.

Matsumoto managed to catch a few words of her crazed rambles.

"Shunsui… loincloth… straw hat…"

Matsumoto smiled. So Shunsui had gone with the straw hat after all.

* * *

Hitsugaya's eyes swivelled from left to right furtively. It was crucial that no one saw this. He was not a child.

When he was sure that nobody was around to notice, he lifted the mug of warm milk to his lips and drank.

He pulled the mug away again and frowned.

"Why is my milk green?"

* * *

**This chapter may have appeared a little odder than usual. Blame Rhea. It is her fault. She helped me write it and her mind is full of strange things. It is a dark place. Full of Mayuri. And loincloths. Dark indeed, my friends, dark indeed.**

**Poem time.**

**Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?  
Or ever seen Mayuri in the nude?  
Have you ever heard the voices of the eighth division choir?  
Can you name the colours of Toshiro's food?**

**Pocahontas doesn't understand her new script. Nor does John Smith. But Rose and Rhea do.**


	8. Flowers & Chocolate

**Chapter 8: Flowers and chocolate**

Zaraki would rather die painfully in a completely non-battle-related accident than admit it.

He would rather spend an entire evening listening to one of Yumichika's lectures on some city's fashion month or whatever than do that.

He would even rather dress up in lady's clothing and pretend to be a beautiful young princess in front of half of Seireitei.

He would never admit this one deeply embarrassing fact, not even to Ikkaku, and especially not Yachiru whom would surely have the news circulating the barracks in less than ten minutes. Regardless of this, despite the torturous shame it brought him, Zaraki had to face the truth.

He needed advice.

* * *

Nanao sighed as she looked down at the crumpled mess that was her captain's desk. Would it kill him to at least try to clean up once in a while? It wasn't as if he ever did anything more proactive, and no matter how many times he claimed otherwise, sitting under a tree and drinking sake was definitely not work.

She started begrudgingly picking up the various papers, checking to see what they were before sorting them in her personal filing system. She was just putting them into the correct drawers when she heard one loud knock at the office door. She jumped a little at the sound, before swiftly correcting herself.

"Yes?" She called. The door opened smoothly. "Oh, what are you doing here?"

Zaraki had to stoop to get through the doorway. Even when inside the office he found he had to bend slightly so that his pointed hair didn't get forced out of shape by the ceiling. That would have been a tragedy.

Nanao frowned. A visit from the eleventh squad captain was very unusual.

"Where's Kyoraku?" Zaraki rumbled bluntly.

Her face relaxed. What had he done now? "I wish I knew, Zaraki-taicho, but he's never where he should be."

Nanao thought this was particularly true of late. She just hoped that whatever he had found to entertain himself wasn't too damaging.

Zaraki grunted. Nanao could tell this was more than just one of his normal killing sprees. "Can I help?"

Zaraki merely grunted again. He shuffled his feet and looked down at the floor. When he attempted to gently nudge the nearest chair with his foot in a casual kick, it promptly collapsed.

"Uh, sorry 'bout that."

Ok, now that Zaraki was apologising, Nanao knew something was seriously wrong here. Sure, she'd heard about his recent violent rampages, but she had thought they were just part of his usual aura of destruction, not some wild personality change. Now she wasn't so sure.

"What is it, Zaraki-taicho?" she asked, letting her curiosity roam for a moment. She noticed his frighteningly embarrassed gaze. "Whatever it is, I promise I shall not tell anyone else about it – unless of course it violates the rules, in which case I'll be forced to set the appropriate disciplinary steps in motion."

Zaraki rubbed the back of his neck, not meeting the lieutenant's eyes. "I, err… I need some advice."

Nanao recoiled, such was her surprise at the news. She tried to cover this up by continuing her movement until she was sitting on the office sofa. She coughed, wanting to get her thoughts straight. "About what?"

Zaraki slumped onto the floor. Nanao was grateful for this as she didn't think any of their furniture would take the weight.

"I need to know about…" Zaraki let out in a determined voice, as if this was the worst enemy he had ever faced. Nanao felt fear slinking into her heart. Anything Zaraki was afraid of could not be good. "I need to know about…"

"Yes?"

"I need to know about…"

"What is it?"

"I need to know about… _girls_."

Oh.

* * *

Nanao scratched her forehead and adjusted her glasses. Talking to Zaraki had taken longer than she had thought it would, and it had consumed a lot more energy that she would have expected. Maybe now he had finally left she could get on with some work.

It wasn't that she resented Zaraki for seeking advice – in fact it showed a vast improvement in his maturity that he was even contemplating getting help from anyone – it had just eaten away at her day.

She was certainly glad he had stumbled across her and not talked to her captain as he had planned. Shunsui would no doubt have given him some dodgy guidance that would probably do nothing more than land him in jail. Nanao shivered at the thought of what the pink-coated idiot considered a romantic gesture.

She didn't think she would ever be able to watch He-Man again.

* * *

Zaraki left the eighth division headquarters feeling rather pleased with himself.

He had asked for help.

He was learning.

Plus, Nanao had given him what he assumed was good advice. He didn't actually know because he had never thought about these sorts of things. Nanao would know though. She was a girl. They liked that kind of stuff. They weren't proper people who only said the manliest of words – like snot, and puke, and Chuck Norris.

Girls were _weird_.

Zaraki stopped his gait at the subtle scrunching noise coming from under his left foot.

He looked down. He grinned.

Well, that was a stroke of luck. Nanao had said get something personal and meaningful, and what was more meaningful to girls than these strange things? All girls loved them. Ikkaku had told him so. And while Zaraki wasn't exactly sure just how adept Ikkaku was in these matters, he might as well make use of the situation and give it a shot.

Quickly, he leant down and picked up the bouquet of flowers.

* * *

Isane walked happily through the fourth squadron's barracks.

There had been little activity in Soul Society recently, and as such there was a considerable amount less for her to do. Apart from the mutilated bodies found near anywhere Zaraki–taicho had visited recently, or the psychologically tortured children from a particular class in the Shinigami preschool, there were really very few patients that needed care.

It also helped, of course, that nobody had destroyed a water main or sewage pipe in any terrible building-shattering battles. It was quite nice – not having to defeat an evil traitor for once.

Isane paused as she rounded a corner in the corridor.

That was odd.

Why on earth would there be a bunch of carnations lying in the middle of the hallway? It wasn't as if there had been any frightful accidents or deaths there. At least not in the last hundred years, anyway.

She noticed how the flowers seemed to be propped up against a particularly important door. But no one would want to give them to her, would they? And if they did, why wouldn't they have done so in person?

Isane went over to the door to her own office and plucked the bouquet from off of the floor. She tried to think of any acceptable reason for the flowers to be there, but came up with nothing that would explain it sufficiently.

She naturally would have assumed they were meant for the other occupier of the shared office, except that everybody knew Unohana-taicho preferred growing plants to cut ones.

Still, she might as well make use of them now they had found their way here.

* * *

Zaraki hurried from the fourth division as fast as he could, hoping no one had accidently spotted him.

It would not do his street credit any favours if he was seen carrying a bunch or stinking plants through the corridors of the wimpiest squad around. And it would do him even less good if someone saw him actually put the things down in front of a girl's door.

He would have had to come up with a mighty good excuse for that one. Maybe he was going to rip them up in her face and laugh at her expression. Yeah, that seemed manly enough.

But then he might have been forced to go through with his reason.

He subconsciously gulped. Would Retsu have understood?

Zaraki growled. He was not supposed to think things like that; there was no puss or guts involved at all.

For the second time that morning, Zaraki was forced to stop in his tracks. This time, however, the thing he stepped on made a crumpling sound, sort of like cardboard folding in on itself.

Zaraki frowned and looked down, questioning the dainty box he had trodden on.

Was that chocolate?

* * *

Matsumoto felt like laughing.

She knew she was a genius deep down. Ok, so she wasn't good at math or science or debating or anything like that, but she was one hell of a match-maker.

And that was a kind of genius, surely.

Who else besides from a brilliant, gorgeous genius (who in no way resembled all those other famous balding old male genii) would have had the idea to slip a love potion into their own captain's milk? It was truly a monumental achievement. That wasn't even starting on actually persuading the most unfriendly captain around to make the darned thing in the first place!

Sure, sure, it wasn't technically her who had done those things, but it was her plan so it still counted. Shunsui had just done the legwork.

And she was positive as she lay sprawled across the couch, an arm shielding her eyes from the midday sun, that it had worked perfectly.

This plan – this was the one to make it.

How was she so sure it had worked? Well, there was a rather large clue staring her right in the face throughout the day. And that clue had a name.

Hitsugaya Toshiro.

All morning he had been acting strangely. Matsumoto had been looking for it, of course, but even if she hadn't she doubted she would have missed the signs.

He wasn't concentrating. Instead, he had taken up the habit of gazing vaguely out into space, as if in the deepest fits of a daydream. Every half hour or so, this would be interrupted by one of his gigantic sighs, none of which contained their usual frustration. Matsumoto could only describe them as wistful. He hadn't eaten lunch, or had a single cup of tea all morning. He hadn't even complained about Matsumoto's lack of work.

Hitsugaya was clearly in love.

"I'm going out."

Matsumoto moved her arm and peered out at the owner of the syrupy voice. Hitsugaya was gliding gently towards the door.

"Alright." Matsumoto answered with grin on her face.

Hitsugaya didn't acknowledge that he had heard her, but just continued out of the room. Matsumoto waited until she couldn't hear his soft footsteps any longer, before jumping up from the sofa and running over to her captain's desk.

He had already left twice this morning, each time for almost an hour, and each time returning with a scrap of paper he had quickly tried to hide in his top drawer. Matsumoto was so used to rummaging through his things it took her less than ten seconds to pick the lock.

She dug through the various sheets of paper until she found what she was looking for.

"Ah, ha!" She couldn't help from exclaiming, her excitement and pride was so much.

She had been right! The potion had done exactly what she had wanted it to! She would get Shunsui to thank Mayuri later for his generous work. For, who, if not someone in the harshest throws of a secret love, conceals the receipts for a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolate?

Matsumoto may have cringed at the tackiness of it, but swiftly forgot that and began mentally organising a congratulatory party for herself.

That's when she saw it.

Slowly, she lifted the piece of paper out of the drawer, her attention captured by the odd format and multiple corrections to the script written upon it.

Her eyes widened with every line she read.

_Ode to a warrior_

_Your hair as black as darkest night,  
Your eye as wild as geese in flight,  
Your smile as pure as angel's lips,  
Your blade as swift as boatswains' whips._

_There are few things I cannot do,  
But saying these thing to you,  
Fills me with upmost fear.  
If you reject me – dear, oh dear._

_Oh, Kenpachi, sweet Kenpachi,  
With your skin so scratchy  
I'd follow you to Spain or France.  
Please just give our love a chance_

Matsumoto couldn't move.

Uh, oh.

* * *

Renji grumbled at life's injustices under his breath.

First Rukia had refused to train with him, and then he had been practically kicked out of his own office by a very angry Byakuya, so that now he was forced to go work in his own bloody room!

Today was seriously not going his way. He doubted anyone else in the entire Seireitei was having a worse day than he was.

He stopped, noticing what was perched on the floor against the door to his room.

His eyebrows twitched.

"_Why the hell are there flowers outside my door?"_

* * *

**The saga of the misused love potion continues! What will happen? Only the fates can decide!**

**Or me. Yeah, mostly me.**

"**With your skin so scratchy" is my favourite line of a poem ever. It was used by all the greats – Shakespeare, Keats, Browning. Everyone loves that scratchy skin.**

**I'm all poemed out today. **

**Make one up yourself. Maybe put it in a review?**


	9. Righting Wrongs

**Chapter 9: Righting wrongs**

The box of files felt surprisingly lighter than usual and Arikka found she could move at near normal pace through the corridor.

She had yet again been put on filing duty, something she was not particularly happy about. She knew it was simply because the third seat had taken a grudge against her, thinking she was privileged and didn't deserve her seat. She wouldn't complain though, especially not to Shunsui or Nanao. The latter wouldn't do anything anyway, and asking the former would only confirm Koma's views of her. She'd just have to struggle through the monotony and hope that doing so would change her superior's mind.

God, she hoped that would happen soon.

"Ask one of the lower seats or something."

Arikka entered the office and navigated around the rows of desks, trying not to knock anything off in the process.

"But Ise-fukutaicho made it clear it had to be someone she could trust."

Arikka reached the corner she was aiming for and dumped the box onto the floor with a sigh, only partly listening to the conversation taking place in the background.

"Well, I'm not doing it, that's for sure."

She stretched her back, wondering what all this carrying was doing to her spine, before starting to pull the papers from the box and slotting them into the correct drawer of the filing cabinet.

"But Koma-san…"

Seriously, how many records could one division keep? It looked as if they had documents dating back decades stashed away here.

"Look, I'm not going, so you better just buckle up and take the bloody thing to Squadron Twelve, ok?"

Arikka paused, a frown washing over her face.

"I don't want to go anywhere near that wretched place! You know what they do to intruders."

Arikka lifted her head and peered at the whining fifth seat, rather bewildered by the twist this conversation had taken.

"You won't be an intruder, will you? It's perfectly fine." Third Seat Koma was saying, looking as if he was attempting to appear extremely busy, his nose practically touching the desk as his writing brush scribbled fervently.

"Why don't you go then?" The fifth seat shot back.

Koma let out a bark of laughter. "You kidding me? Like I'd risk going near that freaky-clown-thing. I'd rather try to stop the captain from drinking for a week. But, err…" he stopped, quickly correcting his mistake, "… you'll be fine."

"But-"

"What's going on?" Arikka at last interrupted. The pair turned, noticing the other Shinigami's presence for the first time.

Koma rolled his eyes, his voice containing all of his usual displeasure when addressing Arikka. "This bag needs to be taken up to the twelfth division – not that it's any of your concern."

Arikka tried to word her next question in the way that would cause the least offence, already knowing the honest response to it. "And you're not overly fond of the idea of seeing Mayuri?"

"Who would be?" The fifth seat said with a shiver.

Arikka shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. Ok, if you're not careful he may dissect you, but apart from that he's really not that bad."

The pair looked shocked at this, neither one blinking. Each of them was seriously questioning their new eleventh seat's sanity. Surely she couldn't mean that, could she? Slowly, their eyes swivelled in their skulls and connected, an idea formulating between them.

"Kuchiki, you're the captain's goddaughter, yes?" Koma asked, his speech slowed as he reasoned through his thoughts.

Arikka sighed. "No, well, he thought so, and now he says he'll act like it, but really-"

"So he trusts you?" Koma continued, ignoring the complications of her explanation.

Arikka scratched her ear. "Uh, I guess."

The words were hardly out of her mouth before she was catching the large orange bag that the fifth seat had thrown to her.

"Go take this to the Research Bureau."

* * *

Joshiro meandered leisurely along the veranda of the thirteenth division headquarters, feeling content with the way the world was at the present time.

Peace was among the people of Soul Society, and all was well in Seireitei. A few of the other captains were having personal problems at the moment, but he wasn't one of them, and while this meant certain Shinigami would have a tough time, at least Joshiro didn't have to frown. He didn't like frowning – a gentle smile was much more becoming of a man.

Yes, all was well. Even his illness seemed to be declining somewhat.

He coughed and fell over.

Oh.

Joshiro was admitting to himself that perhaps his last statement wasn't entirely correct, when he caught the glimpse of something out of the corner of his eye. He rotated his head so that his right ear was pressed firmly against the wooden flooring and once again found that hated frown creeping up onto his face.

Not again.

Some poor sap had yet again placed a bunch of flowers outside his lieutenant's door, and while he had no problem with the pollen or insects it attracted, he was getting tired of Rukia's ignorance over why she had been given them. In all honesty, she didn't even realise she had been given them at all, just thinking that some careless nobody had dropped them in her path. She no doubt thought it was normal for bouquets to rain from the sky.

No, this time, he'd take them for her. After all, he knew of someone whose sparse office could certainly use the pinch of colour the bright carnations would add.

The only question that remained was one of pure physicality.

How was he going to get up?

* * *

Arikka pressed the doorbell again, hoping that maybe this time someone would be decent enough to answer.

"Hello?" she called, not appreciating being forced to wait the ten minutes she already had. "Mayuri? Nemu? Akon? _Anyone_?"

What were they doing? The entire department couldn't be out for the day; Mayuri would never leave his precious research unguarded. Someone had to be inside, but then why weren't they answering the bloody door? For Christ's sake, the cameras would mean that whoever was watching over the control room would be looking at her anyway!

"Sod it." Arikka said to herself, getting past the point of mere annoyance. She'd have to do something about this situation herself.

She was just searching for the least destructive way of breaking in, when she was startled by the very door she wanted to bypass opening.

"Apologies for the wait, Kuchiki-san."

Arikka sighed. "Nemu, great, thanks."

"You wish to deliver the particle deambigulators to Mayuri-sama." Nemu said, not making it a question in the slightest.

Arikka looked down at the orange bag. Particle whatwhat? "Uh, yeah."

Nemu stepped back and held the giant door open, indicating that Arikka should follow her inside. Halfway up the massive hallway, she started to hear the shouts. She peered at Nemu curiously. "What's going on?"

"Nothing interesting."

* * *

Sasakibe Chojiro was a busy man. Despite what others thought, the first division was not simply there to watch over the General and ensure he didn't fall asleep in the bath.

He had a purpose, and making sure that purpose was fulfilled meant he had much to occupy his time. He was so busy, in fact, that he had been unable to attend an English tea party in at least three weeks. The cucumber sandwich withdrawal was starting to get to him.

It was for this reason that, upon entering the vast office of his commander, he almost fell over in surprise.

The General did not decorate his office.

He did not hang pictures on the walls.

He did not place fluffy cushions and armchairs around the room.

He did not even have a chair for guests.

And yet there they were, as obvious as French butter on English muffins, standing proudly, in the centre of the bare space.

"General-commander," he spoke quietly, knowing his captain would hear him from even this distance, "There appears to be a vase of red carnations in the middle of the floor."

The old man behind the desk turned his head to observe Chojiro. Any possible expression was invisible beneath that large frown.

"Yes." He answered clearly. "Someone gave them to me."

Chojiro waited for further explanation. It was a moment before any came.

"I've forgotten who."

Chojiro nodded in disappointment. The General seemed to be forgetting rather a lot recently. It must be his age.

He bowed, understanding the General's displeasure at the unsightly addition to his blank canvas of the room. "I shall dispose of them for you."

* * *

_This_ wasn't interesting?

"I'm gonna rip his guts out!"

"Zaraki-taicho, please calm down!"

"Taicho! It isn't his fault!"

"Would you kindly all leave?"

Arikka blinked, her eyes darting around the room, trying to take the bizarre scene in. It wasn't working. Her brain just would not comprehend what the hell was going on. It didn't make any sense. Why would Ikkaku and Matsumoto be struggling to restrain a furious Zaraki? Why would said Zaraki be attempting to launch himself at a bewildered-looking Hitsugaya? And why would Mayuri be sitting in his favourite chair, tapping his extended fingernail as if this was nothing at all?

_What was going on?_

"Mayuri-sama," Nemu spoke up over the frustrated yells coming from Zaraki's shadowy corner of the laboratory, "Kuchiki-san has brought the particle deambigulators for your examination."

"Oh, come on!" Matsumoto cried, wagging a finger in Ikkaku's face. "It's not that big of a deal!"

"Not that big of a deal?" Ikkaku screamed back. "There I was, inspecting the new troops with Taicho, when your bloody captain pops out of nowhere and effing proposes! _Proposes_!"

Arikka didn't even notice when Nemu took the orange bag from her grasp and carried it towards her father.

Hitsugaya? Propose? To _who_?

"I have a reputation to keep!" Zaraki roared. "And now my entire squad thinks I'm in love with that idiot!"

Oh dear God, no.

"Thank you, Nemu." Mayuri said calmly, taking the bag from her and setting it on his lap. He used his abnormally long nail to scratch a spot on his mask-covered face. "Can you all leave – I have some important research to continue."

"_You_!" Matsumoto screeched, spinning around and pointing accusingly at the technologist. "Sort this out!"

Mayuri shrugged. "I think not. It really isn't interesting enough to take up my precious time."

"Not interesting enough?" Matsumoto was becoming hysterical now. "You call _this_ not interesting?"

With that she promptly marched over to where Hitsugaya was standing, smiling blankly into space, and demonstrated why this was so interesting.

Even Zaraki shut up when he saw what was there.

Only Mayuri and Nemu seemed nonplussed. The former slowly raised a non-existent eyebrow questioningly. "I hardly call the male buttocks interesting. I can assure you I've seen quite a few in my time as a scientist."

"That's not what I'm pointing at!"

Arikka tried to look away, she honestly did, but it was just too damn difficult. It was… It was… It was…

"What the hell is he doing with a tattoo of my name on his ass?" Zaraki let out, seeming to recover from his initial shock.

"Hey, Mayuri-san, what does this remote d-" Shunsui stopped. He looked around the room. He balked. This wasn't what he usually found in Mayuri's lab. He gasped. "Oh my God, Mayuri, what did you do to Toshiro-san's bottom?"

"Don't touch that!" Mayuri shouted, at last deeming it worthy to get out of his beloved chair. He snatched the remote control back from the eighth division captain. "And I didn't do anything. He did that to himself."

Shunsui frowned. "I never knew he was so flexible."

"Idiot!" Mayuri squawked. "I clearly didn't mean-"

He was cut off, however, by someone else. Hitsugaya stood bold as brass in the centre of the dark room, his backside exposed for all to see, a distracted gleam in his eyes, and spoke his first words since Arikka had arrived.

"Zaraki, Zaraki  
You taste like souvlaki.  
It's no critique.  
I didn't know you were Greek."

Silence swept over the room.

Somewhere, tumbleweed rolled across the horizon.

Finally, Matsumoto spoke. "Your other poem was better."

A cricket chirped.

"No!" Zaraki bellowed, sparks of rage lighting up the dim space. He flew at the white-haired Shinigami. "_I taste like raw beef!"_

Halfway through his pounce, Zaraki collapsed.

Everyone blinked.

"Taicho!" Ikkaku shrieked, running over to where his leader lay twitching on the floor. "What did you do?"

He glared up at Mayuri, who seemed oddly too close to the accident scene for it to be a coincidence. The scientist looked bored. "I injected him with the newly developed formula for my zanpaktou. He was being troublesome."

"You poisoned him?" Ikkaku asked in horror.

Mayuri flicked a piece of lint off of his robes. "Only a little bit."

"But- but-"

"I'd get him to the infirmary in the next ten minutes if I were you."

Ikkaku's eyes widened at Mayuri's placid words. He seemed to debate what to do in his mind, half of him wanting to pummel the mad scientist, half wanting to get his captain to safety. The latter half apparently won, as he swiftly hauled the huge balk of muscle onto his shoulders and ran as quickly as he could under the weight from the room.

Mayuri peered around the room, daring anyone else to cause a nuisance.

Matsumoto was too far gone to notice. "Kurotsuchi-taico! This is all your fault with your dodgy invention, so it's your job to fix it!"

Mayuri looked affronted. "I'll have you know, my inventions are never dodgy. This is not my problem to fix."

Matsumoto waved wildly at her captain, who still hadn't noticed his tattooed rump was hanging out of his hakama. "Then how do you explain this?"

"That is nothing to do with me. I clearly told Kyoraku not to mix it with dairy."

"Er, what?" Shunsui asked bluntly, not remembering in the slightest any mention of anything like that.

"What?" Matsumoto reinforced.

"Yes," Mayuri started with a sigh. This was so painfully obvious that it physically hurt him to have to explain. "That concoction was specially designed with the person's specific reiatsu in mind. Adding dairy – I expect a mug of warm milk in this circumstance – makes the formula highly volatile and unstable, resulting, as you can see, in this."

"Er, what?" Shunsui repeated.

"So really," Mayuri continued, raising his hands in a sign of uncomplicatedness, "This behaviour is Kyoraku's fault."

"Er, what?"

"Kyoraku-taicho, how could you?" Matsumoto squealed. She jumped from her position over to the bearded man and began pulling a Nanao on his ass. "You stupid fool! I thought you said it would be fine! How can you-"

"Rangiku-san! Stop hitting me! Ow! I'm sorry! Ow! I'm really, really sorry! It wasn't my fa-"

"Kenpachi, Kenpachi,  
Your eye is so patchy.  
My feelings are so true.  
Let's grab a drink or two."

"-Ow! Rangiku-san! I'm a captain! Ow! But I wasn't listening! That isn't my fau-"

"You've broken my Taicho! I won't ever forgive you! Just you wait until Nanao hears-"

"_Quiet!"_

The Shinigami froze, knocked from their thoughts by the new voice.

Arikka pulled her mind from the unreachable place of confusion and shock into the present. She set a steely look on her face and balled her hands into fists. "_What in all of God's holy creation is going on?"_

No one answered.

"I'm waiting." Arikka said in her best teacher voice.

At long last, Mayuri spoke up, looking incredibly uninterested as he did. "Well, Kyoraku asked me – I assume on Matsumoto's behalf – to create a simple chemical compound which would make Hitsugaya exhibit feelings similar to those of love for-"

"Lalalalala!" Matsumoto exclaimed, clamping her hand down across Mayuri's mouth to stop him saying any more.

"Huh?" Arikka asked, one eyebrow raised. Matsumoto's mouth flapped open and shut.

"Yes, Lalala Lala!" Shunsui stepped in, looking nervously around the room. "She's a shy little Shinigami from the tenth division. She came to Matsumoto expressing her love for Toshiro-san and Rangiku decided to help her!"

"Yes!" Matsumoto agreed, nodding fervently. "That makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Right." Arikka elongated the word, not believing the story for a second.

Matsumoto suddenly leapt away from Mayuri.

"Eww!" she cried, flapping her hand in the air wildly. "Kurotsuchi-taicho, I didn't take you for a licker!"

"Then don't," Mayuri said darkly, his eyes slits of venom, "place your hands over my mouth."

Arikka rubbed her forehead. This was getting out of hand again. She needed to sort it out before Mayuri decided to gas them all for being so annoying.

"Mayuri." She barked with all the command she could muster. "Reverse the potion."

Mayuri laughed at her. "Why? I have so much more interesting things to play with!"

"Do it." She insisted, glaring at the freakish man in front of her. "Otherwise I'll destroy your mask."

Mayuri's smile vanished, his glower returning to full strength. "You wouldn't dare…"

"Wouldn't I?"

They stared at each other for a moment, each one sizing up their opponent. Neither of them looked like they would budge. This contest of wills seemed unending.

And then, resignedly, Mayuri shrugged. "Fine."

Matsumoto and Shunsui jumped for joy.

"Yay!"

* * *

Byakuya Kuchiki stood on the porch of his sizable mansion, surveying the land around him.

This moment was rare. It was to be treasured. Soon, he would have to return to his partner and face her hormonal wrath. He hoped she would be lenient.

He had not bought applesauce.

He sighed, giving himself up to his fate, and turned to the door.

A flash of colour caught his peripheral vision.

As quick and silent as a gust of wind, he reached the offending object and stood over it, peering down at its immobile form.

Flowers – carnations, to be precise – in an equally garish vase.

What were they doing here?

That's when it struck him. That's when the terror set in.

Someone was trying to date his beloved daughter.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

* * *

Had the carnations been able to, they would have screamed at the horror of the massacre.

In the short time they had been outside of their field-home, they had seen many things.

They had seen the road to the market. They had seen the flower stall where they sat untouched for hours. They had seen the white haired man drop them in the path of a giant with spiked hair. They had seen the abnormally tall woman pick them from the floor before they reached they're proper owner and shyly place them for a redhead with scary eyebrows to find. They had seen yet another white haired man, again being taken before they were received by the correct person, place them in a vase and hand them to an elderly man. They had seen a nondescript gentlemen take them from the bare office and set them down on this very step.

But this man, with his eyes so dark and chilling, his petal-shaped blades so cruel, was, without a doubt, the stupidest of them all.

* * *

Toshiro rolled over in his bed, trying to find a more comfortable position.

He had woken not five minutes ago to find that his mind was rather foggy. He assumed he had been working too hard that day, and the exhaustion was clouding his thoughts. He ached all over, a sure fire sign that he had indeed been working solidly all day. He should really take a break at some point. If only he could trust his lieutenant to actually do something while he was away.

He rolled onto his back, stretching his leg muscles, only to bolt upright at the sharp stab of pain he experienced.

His hand flew to the area where the ache was coming from, and the touch only increased the sting.

Quickly he rose, desperate to find out just what was wrong. He stopped in front of the mirror, twisting his body and dropping his pants, expecting to find nothing more than a large bruise on his rear.

He froze.

What the-

"_Matsumoto!"_

* * *

**Oh dear. Poor Toshiro. What will he do?**

**The line about souvlaki is from Rhea (Glockenspiel). Trust her to think of something to do with food. **

**And now a poem written for me by my friend Cleo (CleosDeath)**

**Rose writes good stories  
I think she does  
So give a review  
If you thought it was**

**Really bad grammar, Cleo, really bad.**


	10. Careless Talk

**Chapter 10: Careless talk**

Arikka's week was going from bad to worse.

She never thought joining the Guard Squads would have been so challenging – it wasn't as if much had changed. She was still living at home (which, of course, was nothing at all to do with her father's protectiveness). She still talked to the same people. She still spent whatever time she could sneaking off to a particularly nice noodle bar in one of the lowest districts. The only real change was that instead of spending hours a day in the Academy, she now spent those hours in the eighth division headquarters.

No, she corrected herself; she had expected things to be just as challenging as they were. She had just expected them to be challenging in an entirely different way.

It wasn't her work that was challenging her, stretching her capabilities and knowledge beyond profound boredom, it was something utterly unexpected.

Even fourteen hours later she had to struggle to keep her mind from wandering back to the image of a gentle swaying Hitsugaya, a bemused expression on his face and a sigh in his voice. Or more importantly, she had to struggle to keep her mind off of somewhere rather lower than his face.

Why, oh why, did he have to get the tattoo _there_?

Arikka stopped and slammed her head into the nearest wall.

She… _thud_… did not… _thud_… like… _thud_… Hitsugaya-taicho… _thud_… like… _thud_… that!

_Thud_.

Arikka growled.

Somehow this was all Rangiku's fault, she just knew it.

"Is that her?"

"I think so. Why's she hitting her head against that wall?"

Arikka stiffly pried her face away from the surface of the corridor wall, speculating about why there would be people clearly whispering about her. Trying to give yourself brain damage wasn't that odd, was it? Shunsui did it all the time.

Ok, maybe that wasn't the best example if she wanted to come across as normal.

"I don't know, it must be one of their _ways_."

Arikka turned, frowning. She didn't like how the girl had said that. For some reason it made it seem so much darker that it was. What did they mean by ways? What did they mean by their, for that matter?

The two young Shinigami froze when they noticed Arikka staring at them quizzically. Their whispers ceased. Their eyes widened. Their legs began moving.

"Run away!" They both screamed as they fled at lightning speed down the hallway and out of Arikka's eyesight.

Arikka pondered this for a moment.

"That was odd."

* * *

Toshiro's week was going from bad to worse.

To think, he had awoken on Monday morning thinking it would be like any other week in any other year. And yet here he was, not five days later, wanting nothing more than to murder his lieutenant for crimes that were surely against humanity. Granted, he usually felt like hurting her, but this murderous streak was something new.

Who the hell was Lalala Lala anyway? He'd certainly never heard of her before.

"I feel the need to warn you, Hitsugaya-taicho, that tattoo removal is a long and painful process."

Toshiro's nails dug further into his pillow. "I don't care! Just get this frigging thing off of me!"

Unohana nodded understandingly, "It is lucky then that it is in such a place where there are not too many nerves."

"There's nothing lucky about having that buffoon's name anywhere on my body." Toshiro grumbled, glaring so intensely at the jug of water on his bedside cabinet that the liquid promptly froze in defeat.

"Oi!"

Toshiro jumped slightly at the unexpected voice. He swivelled as much as he could while lying on his stomach and stared at the intruder whipping back the hospital curtain surrounding his bay.

"Don't speak about your fiancé like that!"

"Yachiru?" Toshiro yelled in surprise. "What the hell are you doing here? Get out!"

"Oh, please," the pink-haired blitz said with a wave of her hand. "I think I've seen your ass before."

Toshiro twitched.

"What? When? When have yo-" Then it hit him. "Wait, _fiancé_?"

Yachiru started fiddling with a piece of Unohana's equipment. "Well, yeah. You did propose after all."

"And he _accepted_?"

There was a roar and the curtain was yanked fully open, revealing the occupier of the next bed. "Like hell I did! Yachiru, no spreading rumours!"

Yachiru pouted. "But Ken-chan…"

"Kusajishi-taicho," Unohana stepped in, a wide smile on her face and a dangerous twinkle in her aura, "please do not touch the medical equipment."

Yachiru stopped, her hand paused in its exploration of something that looked oddly like a camera, her cheeky grin swept away. She seemed to contemplate something for a moment, her eyes darting from Unohana to Zaraki and back to Unohana again. Then, decisively, she bounced away.

Toshiro sighed. At least that was one less thing to worry about. "Can we please get this hideous name off of me now?"

He cringed as Unohana prodded the delicate sore with the end of her pen. "I think it's a very nice name."

That dangerous twinkle was back again. Toshiro tried not to whimper at the pain.

"Yes." He made out, his voice sounding rather strangled for his liking. "Very nice."

The pressure of the pen vanished. Toshiro found he could breathe again.

"If you like the name," Yachiru said as she popped up from behind Zaraki's bed. Toshiro groaned. He thought he had gotten rid of her. "You should add it to your own. Zaraki Retsu has a ring t-"

The end of her sentence was cut off as Zaraki gagged her with his sock. Yachiru pouted, which looked odd seeing as she had a sock in her mouth. Zaraki began stuttering his words. "I… er… she meant…"

"Indeed it does, Kusijishi-taicho." Unohana interrupted warmly.

Zaraki's face went blank. His brain imploded. Steam started billowing from his ears.

Toshiro sighed, fed up with all these distractions. "My tattoo, _please_."

Unohana returned her attention to him. "Yes, well, it should be fine to remove, however since it is still healing from-"

"I gotta go."

Toshiro slammed his head against his pillow in annoyance.

Why… _thud_… couldn't… _thud_… they… _thud_… all… _thud_… shut… _thud_… up?

_Thud_.

Unohana turned to Zaraki, whom was trying to untangle himself from his sheets so that he could leave. He seemed pretty desperate about it. When he found it was nearly impossible he gave up struggling, instead drawing his zanpaktou. He started hacking away at the offending sheets.

"Get offa' me, you stinking material!"

All his efforts appeared to be doing was taking chunks out of his own flesh. Blood was spurting out like a pinpricked Capri Sun. Toshiro recoiled. Yachiru clapped. Unohana smiled.

"I would prefer it if you were to stay for overnight observation, Zaraki-taicho."

Zaraki paused his self-destruction. He glanced up at the gentle healer. His face turned pale.

"Fine!" he suddenly shouted, throwing his zanpaktou at the ceiling in frustration. It pierced the wood, but didn't stop. It kept on going, disappearing into the room above. They all heard a scream, presumably from whoever had been standing in the path of the flying blade.

Then silence.

"Well, then," Unohana continued as if this had not just happened, "if you wouldn't mind, Hitsugaya-taicho, I think that Zaraki-taicho's wounds need seeing to."

Yes, he would mind! He'd been here for ages and they still hadn't done anything about his blasted tattoo! If they thou-

Toshiro caught sight of the slightly swaying ghost of Zaraki, blood seeping from near every surface of his skin and staining the fabric of his sheets vibrant red.

"Uh, sure."

Unohana nodded and walked over to the giant's bay. She lifted his badly injured left arm and carefully began wrapping it in white gauze.

"You know," Yachiru spoke up, having finally pulled the sock out of her mouth, "Ken-chan's always talking about how he wants to settle down."

Zaraki blinked. "What?"

Yachiru hit him on the head. "And he also loves walks on the beach."

"What?"

"And candlelit dinners."

"What?"

"And cuddling."

"_What_?"

"I'm sure he does." Unohana said, cutting off Zaraki's violent lurch forwards with a simple hand on his shoulder. She may have been growing irritated at these constant disturbances to her precious medical wing, but Toshiro wasn't sure. That smile was unfaltering.

"Here," she said, clearly finding it difficult to treat her patient when he refused to sit still for one second, "why don't you read this, Zaraki-taicho?"

Zaraki stared at the thin book Unohana had placed on his lap, looking as if he was unsure of what to do with it. Toshiro found himself wondering if he had ever actually seen a book before.

Slowly, he raised the arm that Unohana wasn't bandaging. He gently picked up the book, his visible eye narrow in suspicion. He read the cover.

"Little Bear's… Trousers?"

Unohana tilted her head to the side sweetly. "Yes."

Zaraki huffed. "I ain't reading a stupid kid's book."

"If you would like," the medic said, "I could help you."

Zaraki flinched. "I know how to read!"

Toshiro thought that maybe this wasn't entirely true. He had never seen the eleventh division captain with any sort of written word in his hands, and remembered the fury of the beast when being so recently told that he had to start doing paperwork.

With one hand still holding onto Zaraki's battered arm, Unohana calmly opened the cover of the illustrated book. "Let's start on page one, shall we?"

"But-" Zaraki started, but then hesitated when he caught a glimpse of Unohana's kinder than a teddy bear face. Gruffly, summoning all of the manliness he could, he began to read. "The sun shone through the window and woke Little Bear."

He paused and glared at Toshiro, daring him to laugh.

"'What a lovely morning.' He said to-"

"Do the voices, Ken-chan!"

Yachiru's only response was another sock in the mouth.

"'What a lovely morning.'" Zaraki picked up again, not changing his manly voice one ounce. "he said to himself. 'I'll do something different today."

He turned the page before continuing.

"He jumped down from the bed, took off his pa… pi… pa…"

"Pyjamas." Unohana helped.

Zaraki scoffed. "Why the hell is it spelt like that? It's a bloody stupid word!"

Unohana nodded, moving on to wrapping Zaraki's foot. "Yes. Please go on."

Zaraki frowned at the book. "Took off his pyjamas and looked for his trousers…"

Toshiro groaned.

Just how long was he going to be cooped up in here for?

* * *

Arikka's morning was becoming odder by the moment.

She had thought the two young Shinigami from earlier were perhaps eccentrics, as so many of them seemed to be, and that maybe they had simply heard who Arikka's parents were or something else bizarre about her family. Most of the time that was what it was. Arikka was never talked about solely because of something she had done. It was always that damn Kuchiki pride.

And yet in the following hour, almost identical occurrences had taken place thrice more. Each time there had been whispering, and each time the offending parties had fled when they noticed Arikka's observation.

For some reason, everyone seemed rather preoccupied with her.

And so the next time this happened, Arikka made sure to appear like she hadn't noticed the culprits, instead busying herself in a sheet of paper and pricking up her ears. She was a little bit surprised by what she heard.

"Yeah," one of the young women was saying to another, "her and Hitsugaya-taicho."

Her companion nodded wisely. "They met in a strip bar."

"Don't be ridiculous." The first woman snapped. "Hitsugaya-taicho would never visit a place like that."

"Then how do you explain it?"

The first woman rolled her eyes as if this was obvious. "She's a Kuchiki, isn't she?"

This didn't help the second woman understand. "Yeah, and?"

"And Hitsugaya-taicho obviously rung up a debt with them and isn't able to pay them back!"

The second woman was still confused. "So?"

The first woman sighed. "And so he's getting rid of his debt by offering… _sexual_ _favours_."

"That sounds a bit of an overreaction."

The first woman shrugged. "That's what I heard."

"Well," the second woman stuck in, proud that she knew something the other didn't, "I heard he got her pregnant and so has to stick around."

"Maybe she is," the first woman said with a curious glance, "she is looking chubby."

"I am not!" Arikka exclaimed defiantly, effectively ruining her cover. She rounded on the pair, having had enough of this, and poked the taller of the women square in the skinny chest. "Where the hell have you been hearing these things?"

The woman stammered, completely off guard. "I… er… well… everywhere."

"_What_?" A quickly growing furious Arikka yelled.

"Yeah, uh, everyone's talking about it." The woman Arikka wasn't assaulting with her finger squeaked nervously.

"And what exactly is '_it'_?"

The women looked at each other. They swallowed. Then, as bravely as they could muster, they explained simultaneously just what these rumours were really about.

"Your and Hitsugaya-taicho's secret affair."

* * *

Renji did a double take upon entering the room.

"What are _you_ doing here?" he almost screamed.

Rukia made a noncommittal shrug, "Hanging. What does it look like?"

Renji's eyebrows twitched, which scared the mouse in the corner who dove back into its little mouse hole and away from the scary eyebrows.

"But it's not proper!" he let out, pointing at the thirteenth squad lieutenant with horror in his eyes. "This is a boy's room and it's not right for a girl to be in here!"

Renji jerked forwards at the sudden force against his head. Ichigo strolled on past him, quite satisfied with the hollow thump his palm had made against the red head's scalp. "It's an office, idiot. And it's Momo's too."

Renji's eyes darted to the smaller desk and landed on the girl who seemed to be doing no work other than gently humming the Scooby Doo theme tune. He looked back at the orange haired fool and rubbed the back of his head. "My point still stands."

"What did you want?" Strawberry asked resentfully.

"Never mind what I want, what were you two doing before I got here?" Renji shot back accusingly.

Ichigo glared at him. "Talking."

Renji continued to sound snappish. He didn't like the idea of these two being alone. And while Momo was technically here, she didn't really count as a conscious being. "About what?"

Rukia plopped herself down in the seat behind Ichigo's desk. Ichigo didn't look too happy about this.

"About all the stories going around at the moment." Rukia answered, ignoring Ichigo's hand that was trying to bat her out of the chair.

"Oh." Renji said with a sigh. "About Rika-chan and Hitsugaya-taicho."

Rukia frowned. "What?"

Ichigo got fed up of being ignored and actually tipped the chair over in order to get it back. Rukia splatted onto the hard floor.

"Toshiro and Rika aren't a couple." Ichigo said, taking his place on his rightful throne. "Those rumours are obviously not true."

"Yeah, well," Renji started. He didn't see why Ichigo was being so clueless. Why wouldn't you believe what absolutely everybody was saying? All those people couldn't be wrong. "I heard they had a naughty sex party in a barn…"

Ichigo narrowed his eyes. "Toshiro wouldn't do that."

"… with Winston Churchill…"

Ichigo's face went blank. "That's just stupid."

"… and a hippopotamus."

Ichigo was forced to abandon his seat in order to give Renji another smack around the head. "That doesn't even make sense!"

Renji grew angry. He waved his fist around in front of his face. "That's no reason to hit me! And why doesn't it make sense?"

From her place on the floor, Rukia asked the question she felt most needed to be answered.

"Hang on," she said with a finger on her chin, "I thought Hitsugaya was engaged to Zaraki-taicho?"

* * *

Arikka needed advice.

She desperately needed advice.

Never, in all of her life, had she ever needed advice more than she did now.

This wasn't right!

Arikka had never been entirely anonymous, what with her famous father and equally famous godparents and babysitters, but she had never been the centre of so much gossip before – especially such vicious and outrageous gossip.

Who on earth would ever believe she and Hitsugaya had had sex with Winston Churchill and a hippopotamus? Was that even physically possible?

And so here she was, standing outside perhaps the one place in the entire Seireitei where she could receive honest and well-informed advice that wouldn't result in her been embarrassed, arrested, or dissected.

Resolutely, she slid open the door before her.

"Joshiro?"

* * *

**Little Bear's Trousers is a book in the Old Bear Stories by Jane Hissey. I don't know if you have them in the US or abroad, but they are amazing. My childhood right there for you.**

**Renji's dense. As is Rukia. Byakuya needs to beat some sense into them.**

**It's raining. It's pouring.  
Non-reviewers are boring.  
They bugger off  
With but a scoff  
And so I pull up their flooring!**


	11. The SCC

**Chapter 11: The S.C.C.**

"Rika-chan." Joshiro greeted warmly, a smile across his pale face. "I thought you'd probably pop by today."

Arikka paused. Her eyes swept the room. There were two teacups waiting expectantly upon the small table, both filled to the brim with steaming liquid. One was clearly for the thirteenth division captain. The other, well, the other could only be for her.

Arikka sighed. Her whole body slumped. "You've heard, haven't you?"

Joshiro lifted the first cup to his lips and took a long sip. It was only when he gently placed the china back onto the table top that he answered her question.

"Yes."

Arikka actually fell into the room, her legs sprawled across the floor as she leant her torso against the rim of the table.

"What should I do?" She moaned pathetically.

"A cup of tea perhaps?"

Arikka let her head knock down onto the wood.

"Can't drink." She made out. "Too embarrassed."

Joshiro laughed. Arikka thought that was a bit cruel. "It really isn't as bad as you're making it out to be."

Arikka couldn't bring herself to raise her head. It was all too preposterous. "Yes it is."

"How so?"

"They're so," she started, taking a long breath to get her mind in place, "I mean, the things they're saying…"

Arikka heard the tap of the tea cup against the table again. "It's harmless gossip."

"How is the rumour that me and Hitsugaya-taicho enjoy eating Spam off of each other's bodies while watching Extreme Makeover with a ferret harmless?"

"Hmm," Joshiro said. Arikka at last brought herself to lift her stare. He seemed to be thinking about something, his gaze somewhere over her shoulder. "I hadn't heard that one."

Arikka groaned. "Trust me, there are worse."

Joshiro's tinkling chuckles sounded around the room. Arikka thought he was taking this far too well. "Seireitei has always had a penchant for remarkable gossip, however unlikely it may be."

"But it's not true! How could-"

"I know." Joshiro gave her a sympathetic look. "And I think that many others do as well, but once these things start they have a way of spreading until people get bored. I'm afraid there's really very little you can do."

Arikka narrowed her eyes. "That doesn't help."

"Maybe not, but I think you should consider this something of a privilege." He continued before Arikka had a chance to complain. "It's not everybody who can capture the imaginations of so many in such a short time. Even your mother struggled to create stories that were so bizarre; the wildest anyone ever said about her was that she was a transvestite."

Arikka hit her head against the table once more, feeling utterly defeated. "She was lucky."

"Now, Tousen on the other hand – there was some fantastic story circulating before he betrayed us about him and a mop."

Arikka shut her eyes firmly. She had never met any of the now renowned Shinigami traitors, being born decades later, and she didn't see what this had to do with anything. Apart, of course, for letting her know just how long these rumours could stick around for. "That's even less helpful."

It was a moment before Joshiro spoke again, but when he did Arikka could hardly believe her ears.

"I think you and Shiro-chan would make a lovely couple."

Arikka jolted upright, her eyes as wide as dinner plates, her previous troubles forgotten. "What?"

Joshiro calmly drank his tea. "Yes, lovely. It would be wonderful if you were dating."

Arikka didn't blink. "Again… what?"

Joshiro's eyes suddenly lit up. His smile broadened and he leant forward excitedly. "Oh, I know! I just have to take you to meet some friends of mine!"

Arikka grew unexpectedly nervous. "Who?"

* * *

Ise Nanao was angry.

She often was, but this time he had taken it too far.

This time, he had disappeared for three entire days.

When she found him, Shunsui was in for a world of trouble.

It wasn't that she was worried about him or anything – no, Nanao would never be worried about that foolish man – but things were going balls up in the division. She found it hard to admit that maybe the drinking party needed a buffoon to supervise them, but apparently without their captain around the lower seats would cause nothing but chaos at what was supposedly a weekly squadron event. She had never agreed to anything of the sort.

So here she was, in the place she had never in her wildest dreams thought her captain would voluntarily stay, looking for Kyoraku Shunsui.

It was therefore surprising when she found him.

"And that was the first time I saw Nanao's boobies!"

"You were supposed to be telling me when you were planning to leave."

"Was I?"

"Yes."

"Meh, close enough."

"Get out."

"But Mayuri-san…"

"_What in God's name are you doing here?" _

Shunsui looked up, eyebrows raised. He wasn't expecting anyone to find him here. It wouldn't even be the _last_ place people would look, because he was certain no one would ever look for him here. It was the perfect hiding place!

And Nanao had ruined it.

"Nanao-chan!" he exclaimed, trying not to show how anxious he was. He stood from the couch and wandered over to the small lieutenant, draping an arm around her shoulders. "Uh, how long have you been standing here?"

"Long enough." She answered calmly.

Shunsui relaxed. If that was really true, she would not have been calm in the slightest. He had once again gotten away with it!

The large hardback book landed squarely on his face.

"Don't talk about my breasts!" Nanao screamed as she continued to pummel him into the ground.

Shunsui started bawling. "Why not? They're very nice breasts! Ow! Why do women keep on hitting me? It must be my manly charm! Ow! I said 'ow'! Isn't that enough for you? _Ow_!"

After a good minute of teaching Shunsui not to shout out details of their personal life in public, or as near to the public as Mayuri could get, Nanao decided to let him be. She stood up straight and pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose.

"Right, Kurotsuchi-taicho, I am sorry for the disturbance, but we must be on our way."

"Finally." Mayuri muttered, not turning away from the large screen displaying various bars and colours in front of him.

Shunsui tried to slither back towards the scientist. Nanao held him in place with the base of her heel. "We're going now."

"Good." was Mayuri's half-interested reply.

"But Nanao-chan…"

"Shut up and move."

* * *

Where the hell were they?

Arikka, of course, knew painfully well where she was geographically. It was obvious by the path they had taken to get here that they were in one of the unused outbuildings of the Kuchiki manor, but that really didn't explain what was going on.

Just who were all these people?

And what – she reminded herself would be another good question – were they doing in her house?

"Ukitake-taicho, you made it after all!"

"Ah, Rangiku," the white-haired captain said happily, turning to the pair of breasts approaching, "lovely to see you as always."

"Yes, yes, it always is!" Matsumoto agreed. She noticed the other Shinigami with a jolt. "Rika-chan? Oh my God, you've finally decided to join us!"

She squealed and before Arikka could respond she was being crushed in a giant hug that may have broken lesser girl's ribs.

"Uh," Arikka blinked after being released. She looked around what she had previously thought was just a store room, becoming more confused with every second. There seemed to be at least thirty five people here, most of which, she noticed, were young and female. Small tables were dotted around, each with several of the guests drinking tea and chatting away perched besides them. There didn't seem to be any further clues as to why they were here. "Yeah, what exactly is going on?"

Matsumoto gasped. "You mean you don't know?"

"No."

Was it just her, or did Matsumoto look rather put out by this news? Arikka certainly caught the glimpse of disappointment in her eyes.

"So you haven't changed your mind?" she said down-heartedly.

"About what?" was all Arikka could think of asking.

Matsumoto seemed to perk right up again.

"Never mind, never mind!" she cried enthusiastically. She raised an arm in the air and gestured to the rest of the room in a grand motion. "Well, then, may I introduce to you, my dear Rika-chan, the most important of all Seireitei's organisations! This… is The Official Hitsugaya Toshiro Appreciation Society and Fan Club!"

The entire room burst into a great wave of noise.

"_Shiro-chan!" _They all called simultaneously, followed by three sharp claps.

Arikka had the strangest feeling that she had just stumbled across some kind of cult.

"The _what_?" she gasped out, not quite following what her brain was telling her was going on.

"Or…" Matsumoto began just as proudly, Arikka's expression not registering in her mind, "… as we are sometimes known, The Shiro-Chan Corps!"

"_Shiro-chan!"_

_Clap. Clap. Clap._

"Jesus." Arikka whispered, too shocked to say anymore on the subject.

"Or…" Matusmoto continued, "…The S.C.C. for short!"

"_Shiro-chan!"_

_Clap. Clap. Clap._

Arikka frowned, deciding to focus on the least disturbing aspect of this all. "I thought that was The Shinigami Cultural Committee?"

"And so we are!" Joshiro answered, leaning over Arikka's shoulder and giving her a large grin. "Our next cultural event is next week, in fact."

"Do I want to know what it is?"

Joshiro laughed. "Of course you do. Why it's the world premier screening of our latest movie – '_Icy Dreams_'!"

This apparently warranted squealing from the other members. The excitement was palpable.

"You made a movie?" Arikka asked, starting to dread the answer.

"Why yes! It's a seven hour whirlwind of love and anger and fear and hatred and love once again!" Joshiro said. "And of course it wouldn't have been possible without our amazing director, producer, and cameraman."

Matsumoto dropped her hand in front of her face in false modesty. "Why, thank you, Ukitake-taicho."

Arikka shook her head. She had a mighty bad feeling about this. "Seven hours? What have you got to fill up that much time?"

Matsumoto leant in as if this was a monumental secret and whispered into her ear. "Mainly it's Taicho sleeping, but at one point he gets up to use the bathroom."

Arikka deadpanned.

Was she… Was she filming him as he _slept_?"

This was seriously deranged, more so than any of the rumours circulating about her and the evident God of this club.

"I have to go." She said quietly, shrugging Joshiro off of her shoulder and making her way stoically to the door.

"Kuchiki-san?"

Despite Arikka's flight instincts that were telling her to get out of this crazy room as quickly as possible, she found herself stopping and turning at the unknown voice. She found herself face to face with a petite girl with dark brown hair whom she didn't think she had ever seen before.

"Yes?"

The girl bowed. "My name is Lalala Lala and it is an honour to meet you!"

"Uh, ok?" Arikka said, confused about this woman's respect.

The girl stood again and motioned for one of the others to come over. "This is my friend Doobedoo BeDoo."

"An honour to meet you, Kuchiki-san!" Miss BeDoo greeted, like her friend bowing.

Arikka frowned. "Hi. Why is it an honour?"

The two girls looked at each other, surprise written over their features. "Because Kuchiki-san has to put up with the most awful rumours being said about her! And yet she is handling it with such grace and dignity!"

"Wait," Arikka rubbed her forehead, trying to sort through the conflicting thoughts, "you know they're not true?"

"Of course!" Lalala replied.

"The S.C.C. knows all about Hitsugaya-taicho!" Doobedoo exclaimed.

That was comforting.

At least the stalkers knew of Arikka's innocence.

"Ladies, Gentlemen!" Joshiro called over the chatter of the room. "The Shiro-chan bingo is about to begin!"

"Yay!" Lalala and Doobedoo yelped at the same time. They bowed to Arikka before making their way back to their seats.

"And the first number is…" Joshiro sang, spinning the bingo drum and pulling out a small white ball. There didn't look like there was any number on it, instead a large picture of a certain face had been glued across one side. "… Shiro-chan writing!"

Most of the room groaned. A few cheered.

Arikka stared blankly at the odd scene, an important question occurring to her.

Did the real S.C.C. know about this?

* * *

"Sir, the latest ticket sales statistics are in!"

Ganto leant back in his impressive looking chair, his hands raised in a steeple in front of his ever passive face. He tapped his left foot impatiently. "And?"

The weak Shinigami standing in front of his desk stood a little straighter. "We have sold tickets for the Noh theatre production scheduled for the seventeenth of next month!"

Ganto narrowed his eyes. "I know. How many?"

"The performance is sure to be an excellent one! We have confirmed suitable actors and-"

"_How_," Ganto repeated with gritted teeth, "_many_?"

The Shinigami gulped. "Five, sir!"

"Five hundred? Well, that's nothing to be worried about. Sure, a few more would be preferable but-"

"No, sir." The Shinigami interrupted. It looked like he was shaking. "Just five."

"Just…" Ganto made out, "Five?"

"Yes, sir!"

Ganto felt his temper rising. His jaw was clamped shut and his palms fisted, but he remembered to keep his cool. "And how many have they sold?"

The Shinigami nervously looked down at the piece of paper in his hands. He looked up again and prepared himself for the worst. "Tickets to their next event sold out within thirty minutes of being on sale, sir."

Ganto swore and pushed the desk over in one of his rare moments of anger. His usually statuesque face contorted itself in rage and he began throwing things about the tiny office.

"Damn you, the so-called Shiro-Chan Corps!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "_The Shinigami Cultural Committee will have its revenge_!"

* * *

Byakuya stepped lightly down the streets of Seireitei, his face the essence of nobility and composure. Simply being able to keep his inner frustration off of his face was an almighty achievement, but it was what someone of his position must do.

No one would trouble him today. They wouldn't dare.

Byakuya's ears twitched.

Someone nearby had just mentioned an all too familiar name.

He approached calmly, as nobility should, and stopped, making sure to keep a corner of a building between him and the culprit.

He listened.

His eyes narrowed.

His hand slipped onto the hilt of his sword.

His lips spoke.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

No one talked about his daughter like that.

* * *

**Quite short today, compared to the last two chaps anyway.**

**Do you guys have Spam outside the UK? If you don't I'm sorry, but you're lucky anyways. Spam is icky. Even if I wasn't vegetarian I wouldn't go near it.**

**I'm afraid the tale of the first time Shunsui saw Nanao's boobies won't be revealed until much later on in the story. Oh, but what a tale it will be!**

**Review and I'll bake you a batch of cookies!**


	12. Power Arranger

**Chapter 12: Power arranger**

Toshiro lay on the hospital bed, tattooed backside now kidou'd and bandaged, trying to distract himself from the pain with the thought of how Matsumoto was going to pay when he next saw her. If he was lucky, the guilt might mean she actually did some work for once. Sadly, that didn't seem too likely.

He'd be able to leave the fourth division tomorrow if everything went well. Then he might be able to forget this whole incident ever happened.

He couldn't do that while lying next to the constant reminder of his troubles.

Zaraki was restless.

He had wanted to get out of here ever since he had been given the antidote to Kurotsuchi's goddamn poison, but had been told he had to stay. His self-inflicted wounds apparently needed time to heal. Normally, of course, he would have ignored this advice and headed straight for the door, but for some unknown reason he found he couldn't really say no to the Head Healer. Being around her made him act weird.

"And how are you feeling now, Zaraki-taicho?"

Zaraki looked down and grumbled into his sheets. "Fine."

"Good." Unohana said with a smile. She touched his hand. Zaraki didn't like the squirm his stomach made. Maybe he was hungry. "I'll just check your wounds, shall I?"

Zaraki couldn't take her gentle lifting of his arm; her fingers were just too soft and girly. He needed to make this go as fast as possible.

Unohana quickly regained her balance, the force of the fist on her nose sending her a step backwards.

Zaraki paled.

Unohana slowly touched the proboscis where the hand had landed. She felt the odd shape it now made.

"I believe you just broke my nose, Zaraki-taicho."

"Uh," Zaraki stuttered out, his eye wide and his face drawn, "Sorry, I… er… I didn't mean… Your face got in the way of my fist!"

There was a worrying crack as the healer snapped her nose back into the correct place. "Evidently."

"Ken-chan's always ready for a little rough and tumble while in bed. Aren't you, Ken-chan?"

Zaraki wanted to hit Yachiru, but thought that doing so would only make him seem more like a violent bastard. There was something so very wrong with what she had said though. He needed to fix it. But how?

Zaraki was saved from coming up with any form of reasonable response to the situation, however, by Isane running into the room.

"Taicho!" she gasped, her expression frantic. "We need your help in ward two!"

Yachiru became curious. "What happened, Beansprout?"

"Twenty people… at least... It…" Isane answered out of breath, her face becoming more worried as time progressed. "It looks like… Senbonzakura…"

Unohana nodded. "Yes, I know. Tell Shona to use as many beds as necessary." She turned to the three captains. "If you don't mind, I think they need my expertise."

She lowered her head respectfully, and calmly made her way out of the room, a flustered Isane following.

Toshiro scowled. "What was that about?"

Yachiru put a finger to her lips in thought. "Hmm. It sounds like Bya-kushi's heard the news."

This didn't help Toshiro's confusion. "What news?"

"The news about Rafiki-chan, of course!" she explained as if this were obvious. Zaraki pulled a pillow over his head and tried not to listen. This couldn't end well.

"Who?"

Yachiru jumped over Zaraki's bed and leant down so that she was on Toshiro's eyelevel. A malicious look was on that falsely innocent face. "Oh my God, Shiro-chan's never seen The Lion King!"

"Shut up!" he yelled, taking a swipe at her, to try to push her far too close face away. "Who'd want to watch a stupid kid's movie?"

"Ken-chan would! He watched all the Disney films with me! His favourite is Beauty and The Beast!"

A pillow landed forcefully on the back of Yachiru's head.

"No, it isn't." Zaraki said, trying to regain a bit of his pride.

A tale of a wild hairy man trapped inside his monstrous soul, wanting nothing more than to be freed by the gentle actions of a beautiful woman, and their blossoming love – it was just ridiculous. No one could relate to that.

* * *

Matsumoto stared at the photographs in front of her.

There was something amiss.

Sure, the top secret surveillance photos weren't really anything unusual, but that was the point, wasn't it? They _should_ have been unusual.

Her captain should not have just been lying in bed doing nothing. Her goddaughter should not have been carrying on with her day simply trying to block out the lies being told around her. Both of them should have been panicking.

Panicking, of course, about their own feelings.

Those rumours were supposed to add to the pressure that had been put on them over the past week. They were supposed to give a gentle shove in the right direction. They were supposed to show them just how perfect they would be together.

Matsumoto put down the photos and sighed.

She needed to step it up a notch.

* * *

A soft vibration buzzed inside her pocket and Arikka stopped and dug out the small phone. Her mother had given it to her – it was apparently one of Mayuri's creations only really used by those on missions in the real world, but Arikka had to admit it was useful even here. It was certainly easier than those bloody butterflies.

Arikka peered at the name on the screen and frowned.

Swiftly, she opened the device and held it to her ear. "Dad?"

It was more than a little unusual for her father to be calling her. For one, he'd see her at home in an hour or so anyway. For another, Byakuya didn't speak in general if he could possibly avoid it.

"_Yes_," the voice said apathetically from the other end of the line, "_it's me_."

Arikka's frown only increased. "What's wrong with your voice?"

There was a moment's pause before her father answered, sounding just as detached as ever. "_I have a cold_."

That was even odder. Her father didn't _do_ colds. They weren't noble enough for him. "Ok?"

"_I need you_," Byakuya said, ignoring Arikka's questioning tone, "_to buy some applesauce for your mother_."

"I thought you picked some up yesterday?"

Another pause. Arikka was starting to get rather worried about this. Finally she got a response.

"_She needs more_."

Arikka rolled her eyes. Damn, her mother could eat. "Alright. You want anything else?"

This was followed by yet another silence. Arikka thought maybe he had had a sudden stroke or something. Her father may be quiet, but he wasn't slow.

"_No_."

"Ok, I'll see you later then."

"_Yes. Have a nice day_." Arikka was about to hang up but her father spoke again at the last moment, adding something to the conversation as if it were nothing more than a way to say goodbye. "_Oh, and I've arranged your marriage. You'll be receiving the details soon. Goodbye."_

"Alright, bye." Arikka finished the call before shutting the phone with a sigh.

She was starting to walk down the path again when it hit her.

She froze.

Hang on…

Did he say_ marriage_?

* * *

"And Ken-chan's twenty-second favourite Disney movie is Dumbo. He likes the crows but hates the pink elephants on parade. They scare him. He dyed my hair black after seeing that, but I didn't like it so I dyed it back again. Ken-chan's twenty-third favourite Disney movie is Peter Pan, although he gets upset that the pirates don't wear eye patches. When we first watched it…"

Toshiro dug his face further into the soft pillow. If he was lucky he would suffocate. Death was surely better than listening to Yachiru carry on about this rubbish. Who would care about these sodding films, much less which ones Zaraki favoured over others? Not him, that was for sure.

"…Ken-chan would like to be a mermaid. He thinks they're pretty…"

Oh, for Christ's sake, couldn't she shut up? All Toshiro really wanted to do was get some rest. That wasn't too much to ask, was it? Why the hell was Zaraki letting her go on like this?

"… he tried to swing from a vine once, but it snapped and he put his back out for a week…"

Giving up on suffocating himself, Toshiro turned his head and peered at the spiky-haired maniac besides him, wondering why he wasn't doing anything. Zaraki, however, didn't look like he was listening. He seemed far too absorbed in the book he was holding.

"… Ken-chan went around for an entire fortnight saying nothing apart from Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo and trying to turn mice into warriors…"

"What are you reading?" Toshiro asked, hoping the conversation change would finally stop the menace's rant.

It didn't. Yachiru continued talking at speed.

Zaraki glanced at Toshiro out of the corner of his eye. He quickly tried to hide the book under his pillow. He did so too forcefully and it slid right out the other side. Toshiro leant over the corner of the bed and stared.

"Isn't that the same one you were reading earlier?"

Zaraki grunted, narrowing his eye threateningly. "And?"

Toshiro didn't dare point out that it would take a normal adult less than two minutes to finish the small children's story. He thought he might attempt to make it look less like he was teasing the giant. "It any good?"

Zaraki suddenly lurched forwards, eyebrows raised and a deeply enthralled expression across his face. This was clearly a very important matter.

"Where," he said, gesticulating wildly, "are Little Bear's trousers?"

Huh?

"Camel used 'em as hump warmers, but then she gave 'em to Sailor! Sailor used 'em as sails but he gave 'em to Dog to keep his bones in, but then Dog gave 'em to Rabbit!" he started explaining enthusiastically. "An' I'm only half-way through, so Rabbit can't have 'em either! Where are they? They have to be somewhere!"

Toshiro thought this was a rather strange reaction. "Yes."

"… and Ken-chan now hates Siamese cats. If he ever sees one he goes insane…"

Zaraki swept the book off of the floor and continued reading the epic tale of the lost trousers. Toshiro frowned. This place was seriously messing with his brain.

He was just contemplating calling Unohana to ask whether he could leave early and recuperate at home, when a loud rapping at the door stopped him.

Zaraki put down the book and looked up. Even Yachiru shut up.

"Yes?" Yachiru called.

The door opened. Two nondescript Shinigami with red sashes stood on the other side. They entered the room and knelt before Zaraki's bed.

"OK Delivery Service – Come rain or shine, it's OK!" They both recited automatically.

"I have a message for Zaraki-taicho!" One said, still staring blankly at the floor.

"I have a message for Kusajishi-taicho!" The other added, mirroring his colleague's actions. Their arms were instantly outstretched before them, each holding a pristine cream envelope.

Toshiro wondered why they didn't just send one person. OK Delivery Service either had too many workers or was run by a fool.

"Yay! Letter!" Yachiru squealed, snatching both her and Zaraki's notes from the messengers. She threw Zaraki's at him before proceeding to rip hers open.

There was silence as they read.

Toshiro wondered whether the messengers were actually breathing, they were both so still.

At last Zaraki put the letter down on his lap. He turned to Toshiro, not a hint of emotion on that scarred face. Toshiro was starting to worry that the letter contained some forged insult from him.

Finally, Zaraki spoke, the one syllable clear and sounding very, very sincere.

"No."

"But Ken-chan!" Yachiru whined. "You have to come!"

Zaraki scoffed. "Nah, I don't."

"Yes you do!" Yachiru shot back. Toshiro wanted to know what they were talking about, but Yachiru continued before he could get out his question. "There'll be nice food and lots of booze and you'll get to see Braid-beard in a pretty dress!"

Zaraki didn't move for a moment. It might have been his imagination, but Toshiro swore he saw the faintest hints of pink rise to his cheeks. At last Zaraki came do a decision.

"Fine!" he yelled, before rolling onto his side and covering his head with the sheets. These weren't really long enough and his feet stuck out the end. "But only 'cause of the booze!"

Yachiru cheered. She jumped onto her former captain's bed and hugged him. "It'll be fun! I promise, Ken-chan!"

"Do you wish to send a reply?" both the messengers asked as if this were rehearsed.

"Nuh!" Yachiru told them, wagging a finger in their direction, "The sender's already here, idiots!"

She looked at Toshiro expectantly.

Toshiro frowned, no clue as to what was going on.

"Huh?"

Yachiru flicked her card over to him, excitement clear in her eyes. "Shiro-chan's being dim! You'd think he'd remember…"

Toshiro nervously lifted what he now saw was an invitation, his eyes widening with every word he read.

"… his own wedding!"

What?

* * *

"Taicho!" Renji cried upon entering the sixth division Captain-Lieutenant office. He quickly spotted his captain sitting rigidly behind his desk, writing brush in hand and a blank canvas of an expression. Renji trotted up to the desk, a large smile on his face. "It's true then? Hah! Ichigo can go suck on that!"

Byakuya's expression didn't alter. He clearly didn't think whatever Renji had to say would be important.

"Is what true?" he asked, not taking his mind off of the work in front of him for a second.

"Well, I thought it must be all along, of course! I'm a very discerning person and I've thought there's been something there for years!" Renji boasted, chest puffed out importantly. "Not all of it will be true, though, I mean, who could believe the one about the hippopotamus? That doesn't even make sense!"

Byakuya tried to block out the infernal racket. He managed it quite well.

"I have to know, though, I've heard this one rumour," Renji continued, not noticing his captain's lack of interest, "and, well, if it was true then it would explain the new development. Not that I'm doubting it's real or anything, but you know, rushing about like this raises questions."

Byakuya made a note on the bottom of the form, finding it far more entertaining than his lieutenant's rambles.

"Is…" Renji said, leaning in as if this were a secret. His hushed tone meant that Byakuya did indeed decide to actually listen to his question. If it were nothing, he could just ignore it anyway. "… she pregnant?"

Byakuya's forehead twitched the tiniest amount of a fraction in what he would consider a frown.

Had Renji really only just noticed his partner's condition?

He had known he was one book short of a library, but surely even he would have realised Kya was pregnant before now? She was the size of a house, for heaven's sake.

"I mean," Renji carried on, sounding a bit nervous, "you don't have to tell me or anything, but you know, with the date so soon I just thought it was a possibility. I'm definitely not judging! They're getting married so it's not like it really makes any difference, but-"

"Renji," Byakuya at long last interrupted, deeming this conversation worthy enough of his full attention. He looked up from the sheet of paper and into the other man's wide eyes. "Would you kindly explain what it is you are talking about?"

"Uh," Renji said, now thoroughly confused with the path the talk had taken, "Rika-chan, of course."

The writing brush in Byakuya's hand snapped.

* * *

**Matsumoto is a naughty child. She really shouldn't plan people's weddings without their consent.**

**All reviewers get a batch of cookies dedicated to them! They were very tasty, so thank you very much!**

**What? Did you think I'd send them to you or something?**

**Reviewy! Reviewy!  
Ooh such a good time!**


	13. Forgive Me, Father

**Chapter 13: Forgive me, Father**

Arikka was not a happy bunny by the time she got home that evening.

She had been approached by at least twelve different Shinigami congratulating her on her upcoming wedding, which she knew nothing about until an hour ago. Each time she had tried desperately to inform them that this marriage was not taking place, but each time her protests had been dismissed as modesty or shyness. At least she had actually managed to find out who her future husband would apparently be.

She had the strangest feeling that this wasn't a coincidence.

She didn't know what to do. The best thing she could come up with was to go to bed and hope that everything would magically be alright in the morning.

It was therefore a little upsetting when she found her bedroom wasn't really in a state fit for sleeping.

"How about '_Love in an Elevator'_?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Their first dance as man and wife needs to be to something romantic!"

Shunsui pouted. "But it has 'love' in the title."

Matsumoto hit him on the head. "Have you even listened to the words? There's nothing romantic about it at all!"

Shunsui gave her a defiant look. "What would you suggest then?"

Matsumoto put a finger to her lips and thought about this. Decisively, she raised a hand into the air. "I know! '_Smack That'_!"

Shunsui applauded. "Ooo! That does indeed sound romantic!"

Matsumoto flicked her hair behind her shoulder proudly. "Yes. I know of no song that is more fitting for a wedding reception! Now, about the food-"

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" Arikka screamed in shock.

Her bedroom was nowhere in sight. This room certainly contained no bed or any of Arikka's possessions. Where she had previously relaxed and claimed as the only private space she actually had, now stood what could only be described as a war-room. Large whiteboards were occupying all available wall space, each with scribbled notes in a variety of colours. A huge worktop was set up in the centre of the room, with materials and boards and papers and other seemingly random objects atop. A few basic chairs were dotted about, but these were only for extra space to store boxes and files and magazines. Certainly no one could sit on them. Standing by the table were two people.

Both of their faces went slack when they saw Arikka.

"Your father asked us!" Shunsui suddenly cried defensively.

Arikka narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "My father asked you to what?"

Their eyes swivelled until they connected, a meaningful look passing between them. Arikka didn't like where this was going. Matsumoto was the first to snap out of their unease. She placed a big grin on her face and raised her arms into the air enthusiastically. "To plan your wedding of course!"

Arikka deadpanned. "What?"

"Yes, now if you don't mind, there's lots to do and little time to do it in." She said, sweeping around the room as if this were a normal situation. She picked up a piece of baby blue fabric and peered at it. "What do you think, Shunsui, blue or red for the colour palette?"

Shunsui looked off in contemplation. "I like pink."

Matsumoto frowned. "Don't be disgusting."

"Orange?"

"No."

"Lime green?"

Matsumoto grimaced. "Oh, never mind. I'll sort it out myself."

Arikka balled her hands into fists. "There isn't going to be any wedding!"

Shunsui laughed. "Don't worry, little Rika-chan, your father has arranged it all! In two months time you'll finally be free of that Kuchiki surname!"

"I don't want to be free of it!" Arikka screamed back, getting more upset as this conversation continued.

"Don't be silly, of course you do!" Matsumoto told her nonchalantly. She picked up a piece of cream lace and brought it over to where her goddaughter was standing, holding it up against her skin to see the effect. "Just leave it to us. We've got everything under control here."

Arikka thought that if there were any two people in the whole world whom she would like least to have control of her life, then it would be these two. Nothing would ever be sane again. "But I don't even like Hitsugaya-taicho like that!"

Matsumoto chuckled. "I'm afraid feelings usually have very little to do with arranged marriages, Rika-chan."

"But that not fair!" Arikka yelled, realising she was sounding a bit like a spoilt child. "I mean, this isn't happening! And don't you dare say life isn't fair!"

Shunsui shut his mouth, his words pre-emptively rebuked.

"And," Arikka continued, enjoying being able to get her feelings out in the open at last, "why the hell have you set up your headquarters in my bedroom? Where am I supposed to sleep? Not that this is happening, by the way, because it most definitely is not!"

"Ah, I've already taken care of that." Matsumoto swept away Arikka's qualms. "For the next couple of months your room will be the centre of our planning department. This actually gives you a nice opportunity to acclimatise to your new life as a married woman."

"What do you mean?" Arikka asked, dreading the answer already.

"That while your room's out of action, you'll be staying, naturally," Shunsui explained coolly, "with Toshiro-san!"

Arikka threw a box of folders at his head. "No, I won't!"

"Now, about the wedding dress," Matsumoto murmured to herself, completely ignoring Arikka's anger. "It'll have to be a clever design of course. A lot can bulge in two months, and we don't want you looking too far gone, do we?"

Arikka threw another box.

"_I'm not pregnant_!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Byakuya was panicking.

Byakuya's panicking was, however, not really noticeable. His face certainly contained no trace of anything remotely undignified. He expected that no one other than his immediate family would notice the subtle changes to his behaviour.

But for Kuchiki Byakuya, that counted as a full-blown anxiety attack.

Anyone else would have been crouched over a paper bag struggling to breathe through the hyperventilation.

It had not helped when Renji had kindly informed him that it was he himself who was supposedly arranging this farce of a marriage.

The main thing, however, that was causing this stress, was the other thing he had been told. Why else would his daughter rush into something like this? She was usually so wary of making decisions without all the right information. She wasn't the overly-romantic kind of girl who always dreamed of hurriedly falling in love and becoming a wife. But then why…

No, she couldn't be. If she was Kya would have noticed. And Kya _would_ have told him, wouldn't she?

And this was why he was hurrying home instead of attending a meeting like he should have been. He needed to ask his partner just what was going on.

"_I'm not pregnant!"_

Byakuya halted.

"There's no need to hide it anymore, Rika-chan, we all know."

Byakuya twitched. What was that clown of a captain doing in his house?

"But I'm not!"

Byakuya's eyes closed in thought. He stood just beyond the open doorway of his daughter's bedroom, and listened to her conversation.

"Yes you are."

So Mastumoto was here as well. Things were becoming worse.

"No, I'm-"

"I mean, why else would this marriage be happening? Your father doesn't even like Taicho!"

Byakuya thought that was a bit unfair. He didn't dislike Hitsugaya. He just had no strong feelings towards the former child prodigy. He did, on the other hand, dislike anyone who tried to get too handsy with his daughter.

"Ok, you two," Byakuya could hear the authoritative tone Arikka was so adept at using, "listen up. I don't care what you do or say, but three things are absolutely not happening, not now, not ever. I am not dating Hitsugaya-taicho. I am not sleeping with Hitsugaya-taicho. And I am not – _not_ – marrying Hitsugaya-taicho. Got it?"

Byakuya would have sighed if that didn't count as showing too much emotion.

He could hear the whines and protests of the two fools through the doorway, but wasn't listening to them.

It was all alright.

His daughter wasn't in love or trouble.

Everything was as it should be.

His eyes snapped open, an unhappy thought occurring to him. If it wasn't Arikka's decision to get married, and it wasn't his, then whose was it? One thing, though, he knew for certain; whoever it was, wherever they were, whatever their rank…

They would pay.

* * *

Toshiro tried to break free, but the cuffs around his wrists wouldn't snap.

These were desperate times, indeed.

Bloody Unohana and her bloody restraints. He needed to get out of here, for Christ's sake! He had important people to kill!

At least he didn't have to keep a deranged battle-craving maniac and his daughter company anymore – that was one thing he could be thankful for. Zaraki had been discharged thirty minutes earlier, and Yachiru had followed. Apparently, however, he wasn't in a fit state to leave the medical ward yet. Toshiro had struggled, but Unohana's deathly glare had quietened him. Now she was gone, though, and the murderous rage was beginning to seep back into his soul, piece by piece.

He needed to slaughter whomever it was that had decided to marry him off without even asking him!

"Yo, Hitsugaya-taicho."

Toshiro stopped trying to force his hand through the small cuff strapped to the bed and looked up to the people strolling into the room.

He wasn't in the mood for visitors. "What are you doing here?"

Yumichika came to an elegant stop beside his bed, flicking a strand of his long dark hair back. "We came to congratulate you on your upcoming marriage to a beautiful young woman, of course."

Iba slapped Toshiro on the shoulder, a hearty syllable of laugher leaving his mouth. "Yeah, that's one hot piece of ass you got yourself there."

Yumichika scowled. "Don't be such a vulgar child."

Iba placed his hands on his hips. He might have been glaring at the effeminate lieutenant, but it wasn't really clear behind those sunglasses.

"But I am a man." He announced proudly. "And men call women hot pieces of ass. It doesn't matter if they have a whole ass or not, we call them pieces."

Yumichika frowned in confusion. "Just one piece?"

Iba nodded. "Yes, one piece!"

"Why one piece?"

"Because I like one piece!"

Hisagi hit them both on the back of the head. "This isn't a crossover fiction!"

Yumichika and Iba both looked extremely bewildered at this, asking at the same time, "Fiction?"

Hisagi looked around shiftily. "I mean… Hello, Hitsugaya-taicho."

Yumichika put the back of his hand to his captain's forehead, worry etched across his face. "Are you feeling alright, Taicho? Your Aura of Beauty is all over the place."

Hisagi batted him away. "I'm fine."

Toshiro didn't understand what was going on. It didn't help any further when Yumichika began what Toshiro would only describe as stroking his head.

"Tsk, look at you, Hitsugaya-taicho," he said with a roll of his eyes, "Your hair's a complete mess! Just let me fix it up here and then-"

Toshiro was thankful for Iba as the large Shinigami pulled the smaller one away. He gave him a disapproving look. This behaviour was not nearly manly enough for him. "Just shut up and put on some sunglasses."

Yumichika gasped, knocking the glasses Iba had offered him flying into the nearest wall. "Those things are vile!"

"_What_?" Iba screamed, more insulted than he had been in at least a decade. "I'll have you know that those were…"

Hisagi sighed, already fed up with the pair's fighting. He ignored their bickering in the background and turned to the white-haired captain in the hospital bed. He suddenly felt a bit self-conscious, the reason he had come here in the first place seeming rather embarrassing. He rubbed the back of his neck, determined to get this over with. "Err, yeah, so, um… you don't, err, by any chance know, do you, I mean, I was just wondering, if maybe, it just occurred to me, whether Rangiku needed any help in organising the wedding?"

Toshiro snapped out of his daze at the words. He bolted forwards, trying yet again to break his shackles. It didn't work and he was sent flumping back into his pillows.

"There isn't going to be a wedding!" He yelled, wanting to get his point across but being too angry to explain any further.

The cry effectively stopped Yumichika and Iba's battle of words. The three visitors blinked, thought about this for a moment, and promptly crowded over to Toshiro's bedside. They immediately begam pummelling him with questions.

"What d'you mean?"

"Why ever not?"

"No wedding?"

"What's wrong with you?"

"But it's Rika-chan!"

"You're the perfect couple!"

"There has to be a wedding! I've already bought my suit!"

Toshiro had had enough.

"_Go away!" _

They shut up at the shout, looking to each other in concern. The tenth division captain was clearly distraught.

Finally, Hisagi spoke up, albeit much calmer than before. "So, you've had a fight or something?"

Iba nodded. "Bet the chick was being a bitch-face."

Yumichika didn't like the use of the word, but chose to ignore it. He put on his best thoughtful face. "Well, I didn't take Rika-chan to be a Bridezilla, but I guess you never can tell."

Hisagi frowned and looked at his lieutenant. "Bride-what?"

"Bridezilla." Yumichika told him informatively. "Honestly, don't you watch WE tv?"

Hisagi's frown increased. "WE-what?"

Iba butted in before this got too girly. "Look, Hitsugaya-taicho, listen to me. If there's one bit of advice you need to stick to when getting married, this is it. Always," he said, a deeply sincere look on his face, "do what the woman wants."

Yumichika scoffed. "How is that manly?"

Iba raised a fist and roared, "Because you do it while wearing sunglasses!"

"Oh, please…" Yumichika quipped.

"Just try it!" Iba yelled, shoving another pair into the other man's hand. Who knew how many pairs he kept on himself at any one time?

Yumichika looked down at them. "Can't I at least have blue ones to match my feathers?"

Iba stomped his feet. "No!"

They started arguing again. Toshiro growled. Either they should help him escape or just piss off. Doing what they were wasn't helping anybody.

Hisagi peered at him, his eyes a mix of pity and curiosity.

"Is the wedding really off?" He asked, trying to be as gentle as possible.

Toshiro grunted at attempted to get his hand loose again. "It was never on."

"Huh? That makes no sense." Hisagi muttered, not getting it in the slightest. "Then why would Rangiku have my messaging service deliver the invitations?"

Toshiro froze.

So did most of the water in the atmosphere.

* * *

Around Seireitei, people were talking.

People usually did, especially over the last couple of days, but now there was a certain darkness to their words. Whispers were becoming murmurs. Murmurs were becoming conversations. Conversations were becoming shouts.

The marriage of the century had been cancelled.

So many had been invited, and now so many were having their invitations revoked. And they weren't even being revoked by the same person who had invited them.

Kuchiki Byakuya didn't agree with the pairing.

Hitsugaya Toshiro wasn't of noble blood.

Kuchiki Arikka's heart was doomed.

* * *

Matsumoto felt the air chill around her, but thought little of it.

What importance was a little weather change when compared to the colossal catastrophe she had suffered today?

All her planning – all her work – had gone to waste.

And she hadn't even picked out the bridesmaid's dresses!

She had known the plan was never faultless, but she had assumed whatever difficulties she would have to face along the way would be easily solvable. She hadn't bargained on _him_.

She sighed and shrugged out of her obi belt, too disheartened to think about any possible remedies, and went to hang it in her wardrobe. She opened the sliding door, expecting to find nothing out of place in the meticulously organised large room of drawers and hangers, and found her movements ceasing.

The belt slipped out of her grasp and fell limply onto the floor.

How…?

But…

She screamed.

Her clothes! Her lovely, beautiful clothes!

They were more than out of place or a little crumpled. They were… They were…

_They were in shreds!_

At that moment, Matsumoto decided on one thing. There was only one possible way of ever getting her way – only one way of succeeding in her schemes.

They, at all costs, had to get away from Byakuya.

* * *

**I realised while writing this chapter that I hadn't even mentioned Iba, Yumichika, or Hisagi yet. Hence why they are here. **

**OMG someone is translating this story into Hungarian! So if your first language is that check it out. It's under my username. Thanks Chiba Aina!**

**Right, announcement time. This is actually my last chapter before I go off to uni on Fri. I'm afraid things might slow down while I'm there, sorry about that. I highly doubt I'll get one out during Freshers' Week at any rate. Not that I'll be hungover or anything. No. I am a good girl. Heh. Heh.**

**This story **_**will**_** continue. It just might be a bit slower than it has been over the last month or so. It hopefully won't be as slow as SBTH became; I'll almost certainly get a chapter up before June. Lol. Nothing could be as slow as SBTH.**

**Until next time, then.**

**Review?**


	14. Rest for the Wicked

**Chapter 14: Rest for the wicked**

"You wanted to see me, Taicho?"

."Ah, Rukia-chan, please come on in." Joshiro said as he turned his eyes and smiled to the doorway, using his left hand to beckon the lieutenant into the room. His smile didn't falter as he placed his attention once more on the woman taking his blood pressure. "Thank you isane-chan, your care is always excellent."

"It's nothing, Ukitake-taicho."

Rukia entered as told and eyed the fourth squad member warily. "There was an urgent message I needed to be notified of?"

Joshiro clearly understood Rukia's concerns and waved them away. "Ah, don't worry – this was a message to all captains and lieutenants. Isane-chan knows what it concerns. I dare say she's just as excited as I am?"

"Unfortunately, no." Isane answered, a slight frown crossing her features. "It isn't recommended for both me and Unohana-taicho to go. The fourth division cannot be left unattended, after all."

"Oh, my dear, that means you're staying?"

Isane let her head droop in a sad nod. "Yes, but it's alright I mean-"

"That is a shame." Joshiro consoled.

Rukia looked between the pair, confusion etched across her face. This wasn't making any sense. Staying? Left unattended? Where was her captain going exactly? Was she supposed to follow? She took a decisive step forwards. "Taicho, please explain."

Joshiro's eyes lit up.

"Oh, Rukia-chan, the General-commander has had the most wonderful idea! We're all going," he called in a merry sing-song tone, "on vacation!"

* * *

"Oi! Grumpy-face!"

Toshiro's eyebrow twitched. As if his day – scratch that – _week _wasn't going badly enough already. His gait halted and body twisted to meet the nuisance face to face. "_Why_ are you following me around?"

"Wha-?" Yachiru squealed offended at Toshiro's lack of faith. "Don't be so suspicious, Shiro-chan! If I was following you around I wouldn't bother to ever leave your side! I'm not some second division sneak! I have a little something called integrity!"

Toshiro glanced at the newly added line of skewered fish carcasses adorning the unsheathed zanpaktou resting against her shoulder. He continued to be suspicious. No matter what she may claim, the fact remained that he was certainly 'accidently' running into the menace an unprecedented amount recently. "Then what do you want now?"

"Still aint found Boobies-chan, eh?" Yachiru asked, bouncing closer into his field of vision with a knowing grin on her face.

"That's got nothing to do with you." Toshiro snapped, before promptly deciding the right thing to do was spin around on the spot and continue walking away from the annoying pink-haired woman. Ok, so she was right; he still hadn't managed to locate Matsumoto since being discharged from the hospital and yes, he so very did want to do so, but that was his business and no one else's. Especially not _hers_.

"Oh?" Yachiru continued as she bounced along behind him and seemed not to get the hint at all. "But I was going to offer some great advice! "

"Of course you were."

Yachiru appeared to be unperturbed. "First, you need to sleep with Rika-chan, next-"

"I've already told you-"

"-You've got to agree to come on this holiday to the real world with the rest of the captains and lieutenants, then-"

"I am _not_ going on that."

"-You can maim Boobies-chan there!" Yachiru finished proudly, her logic assured. "She'll obviously be going."

"Or I could find her now." Toshiro said, trying desperately to ignore that nagging sensation at the base of his skull telling him to freeze her stupid arms off. He realised something that again stopped his tracks. "And how the hell did that first step relate to the others at all?"

Yachiru paused too, looked off thoughtfully into the distance, and brought a contemplative finger to her lips. "Hmm, I guess it didn't, but it would be fun, wouldn't it?"

Toshiro grumbled something rather unpleasant under his breath.

Yachiru's expression cracked and she started bouncing around again. Toshiro braced himself for the worst. Sure enough, "I know! That's why you're not coming on vacation with us, isn't it? You want some special alone time with Rika-chan and her jiggly parts!"

The window they were standing beside cracked.

"No, I do not!"

Yachiru shrugged. "That's what everyone's gonna believe. Besides, if you're not going, then I'm not. And if I'm not busy on vacation then who knows how much free time I'll have to waste and just who will have to distract me. Maybe I'll take up the violin!"

Oh, God.

* * *

"Ah, I can't wait for this holiday! If anyone deserves a break, it's me." Matsumoto drawled lazily as she stretched her arms up over her head. She yawned. This atmospheric lighting was really messing with her body clock; she was never usually this tired in the middle of the day. She perched her feet on the far end of the couch. "Hey, this is the real world, so we need to be incognito, right? What are you going to do about your mask, Kurotsuchi-taicho?"

A muscle flexed in Mayuri's forehead, but he didn't turn around from his important data analysis and let Matsumoto notice. "Why won't you explain the reason you're here?"

"That's not important," was his only answer.

"If this is Kyoraku's doing…."

"What is important is deciding on what outfits to pack, exactly." Matsumoto continued not paying the aura of darkness surrounding the scientist's chair any attention. "Wait, do you even have a relatively normal looking outfit?"

Mayuri glared at the screen in front of him, his voice escaping as a menacing hiss. "I will not have my research bureau become some kind of hiding place."

Matsumoto still wasn't listening. "I'm sure I'll be able to find you something, but the mask will definitely have to go. We've all seen you without it anyway, so why the fuss?"

"Idiot." Mayuri spat, at long last having enough of the buffoon's ignorant rambling and swivelling in his chair to directly address her. "Like I'd have time to go flouncing around on holiday. I do not flounce. I am a scientist."

"Yeah, yeah, we all know," The lieutenant dismissed with a flap of her hand before taking another deep yawn. Mayuri somehow managed to make out the words she was spouting through it. "But maybe you should consider it. It is Monday tomorrow, after all."

Mayuri narrowed his eyes. Something wasn't right here. "Congratulations, you have successfully memorised the entire seven days of the week. With any luck you'll be onto the months soon."

"How many more hours do you have to spend at the preschool again?"

* * *

Renji was running late.

He hoped with all his heart that so was his captain.

His hopes died.

"What the hell, Taicho? That's dangerous!" he screamed, his eyebrows jumping up and down in a manner that would have scared little children walking by.

"I assumed you were an intruder," Byakuya spoke calmly, not even bothering to meet Renji's panicking eyes or brows thereof, "the hour is far passed one in which a healthy lieutenant would begin work."

Renji felt the life drain from his body for a second. He flinched, his arms and legs stuck in that bizarre arrangement they had been forced to adopt in order to dodge the bright kidou attack fired at the door. He managed to summon a nervous laugh from somewhere. "Uh, lucky thing you missed."

Byakuya let his gaze flutter upwards to meet his lieutenant's. "I never miss."

Renji felt his fight-or-flight response rumble inside his head for some unspoken reason. He swallowed, finally pulled his body out of the awkward arrangement, and placed his right foot back on the ground where it belonged. He rubbed the back of his neck and forced a smile onto his lips. "Ok, sorry for being late. I was on my way here and then Ikkaku stopped me and started talking some rubbish about going on vacation and he wouldn't shut up about it or admit he was wrong and-"

"He was not wrong."

Renji tried to process that. All he was able to come up with was, "Huh?"

"All captains and lieutenants have been invited on a holiday to the real world," Byakuya explained, before worryingly adding, "as I wished to inform you twenty minutes ago."

Renji chose to ignore his instincts that had mysteriously surfaced once more and instead focused on the good part of those words.

"Holiday? Great! We both need a break – me from paperwork, you from…" Renji's happy exclamation faltered. The please-go-on stare he had received from his captain told him that perhaps it wasn't a good idea to remind Byakuya about, well, err, "… Paperwork too."

Byakuya's cloud of danger lifted slightly as he went back to the work in front of him. "Then it'll upset you to learn that I will not be present on this so-called vacation."

"Eh? Why not?"

The nobleman paused his writing, but didn't look up. It seemed to take him a moment to calculate the precise words he wanted to use. He finally answered, "_Paperwork_."

* * *

"_Meruto_, _Hojimono_." The words slipped from her tongue easily, but provided little reassurance. Instantly, it started. The plain silver sword smoothly stretched and relaxed, the metal settling naturally into its new shape. It dipped, forming a slight curve, before reaching upwards again, at last deciding that downwards was best after all, a sinuous hook finishing the blade.

Arikka held the zanpaktou in front of her, the sharp tip consequently pointing not out, but back at her own chest. She swung the sword back and forth in a copy of the various movements that had been drilled into her over the past six years and watched as the bright silver began to slowly glow subtle orange at the edges. It was by now probably too hot to touch without getting a nasty blister, but that was about it. She twisted and landed a strike on the nearest tree.

"Are you sure setting the forest on fire is a good idea, Rika-chan?"

Arikka looked up at the approaching voice, shook her head, and smiled without employing the upper half of her face. "Don't worry, it's not like it actually burns anything anyway."

"Oh well, you'll get there." Shunsui said with no sense of urgency as he finished walking up to his favourite goddaughter and grinned. Arikka sheathed Hojimono. Something about the way Shunsui's eyes were twinkling suggested that she really didn't want to have a weapon ready at the moment. "Aaand, speaking of getting places… you've heard about vacation time?"

Arikka rolled her eyes. "You mean the really terrible idea involving all captain and lieutenants abandoning their stations to go on some holiday to the real world and leaving Seireitei completely unprotected? That vacation time?"

The twinkle stepped up a notch. "It's also the vacation time you're not supposed to know about."

Arikka chuckled and asked, "What about it?"

"Now you're going too."

Arikka frowned. That wasn't right. Maybe she hadn't heard properly. Maybe Shunsui was already drunk. The latter seemed more likely. "What? Why?"

"'Coz." He explained helpfully.

"Taicho, as you just witnessed from my incredible fighting skills," Arikka said, trying to hide most of the bitterness, but not failing to notice the barely blackened patch of bark where her strike had hit, "I'm not a lieutenant, let alone a captain."

"That's just a technicality." Shunsui dismissed. He draped an arm over her shoulder. The smell of his breath reassured Arikka that her suspicions had not been in vain. "Besides, your father's a _captain_ and he's _not_ going."

Arikka was now thoroughly puzzled. "How is that a related point?"

"Well, you'll be replacing him, of course!" Shunsui exclaimed as if it solved everything.

"I'm not in his division!"

"No, you're in mine." Shunsui reminded. Arikka's heart dropped. She realised what was now inevitable. "Aw, come on, Rika-chan! Have some fun once in a while!"

* * *

"General-commander," Sasakibe announced his presence in the once more bare office and knelt in respect for the great leader, "I have received some troubling news. It seems that nine captains, eight lieutenants, and one eleventh seat have already left Soul Society for an as yet unknown period of time. More troubling still is the information that it was you yourself who organised this outing. Forgive me, but as it appears a little out of character and I do not remember you doing such a thing, I was wondering what should be done."

Sasakibe finished his report and waited for the General's reply. After a solid minute of not getting one, he raised his head.

"General-commander?" he asked concerned.

Again, there was only silence. Judging it necessary, he stood and approached the elder man.

Yamamoto let out a gentle snore.

* * *

**Meruto: melt  
Hojimono: retempered sword**

**Hey, looks like it is possible for a fic to be updated less regularly that SBTH. Good for me! I have broken my own record!**

**Again, gave up on Bleach for a while (a long while) but got bored and caught up this week. Got me thinking about this story again. I am determined to finish it, however long that might take! *dramatic pose***

**Anyone who is still here, well done! Anyone who's new, hello!**

**Reviews may motivate me to write sooner… or they may not… wooooooooo… quantum review theory….**


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